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Laughter is the best medicine
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I Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown
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Latest Activity: Nov 3, 2022
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Banana split please 1 Reply
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly,…Continue
Started by Jozee. Last reply by PartTimeBrewer May 18, 2021.
Old Father 5 Replies
DEFINE EMBARRASSMENT:You take your 96 year old father who you're taking care of in his senior years to yet another doctors appointment.Your first thoughts are, with this pandemic going on, I'm…Continue
Started by Grandma Helen. Last reply by Jozee Apr 24, 2021.
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Comment by metub4 on January 26, 2011 at 2:22pm
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The Fourth Affair:
A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas,
and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquired the guy. "4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!!!!" exclaimed the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy said, "What's he
doing with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "Same as what I'm doing to his business.
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The Third Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said,
"Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got
one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning
the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."
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The Second Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
penis like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" She screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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The First Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby
boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
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Comment by Aggie on October 27, 2010 at 8:05pm
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Mother's Milk
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
,,,,,,,,,,,,.
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
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IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE ?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30 minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine
years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before
it starves to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ...
quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Gee) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say
is.............Lucky Pigs...
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Have you seen a pink 1958 Volvo tractor?
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THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the muffler, which I've never seen it done like that in my entire career".
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Learn from your elders
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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