When bad things happen to good people

[T2Friends]

Nobody likes to get bad news, but life sure tends to hand it out, right?  When it is your neighbor or family member that lives nearby you know what to do and how to help, you chip in and bring them food, help with the housework, arrange for groceries to be delivered, give them rides to the doctors or other appointments, in other words try to lighten their load so they can concentrate on getting well.  But when the connection is less tangible, they live far away or the connection is through the internet, it is more of a challenge to help those you care about.   So after you send them your love and you let them know what high regard you hold them in, what an incredible human being they are and how strong and courageous they are...what can we do to help...Of course we send them good healing thoughts and prayers.  But they say laughter is the best medicine.  So how do you make a person faced with another round of treatments and hospital stays laugh...So anyone got any good jokes or stories that might result in some "make ya feel good" belly laughs. Anyone?  Beuller?  :)

 

[crestofwaves]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it’s 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you h...elp him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back  the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[ProblemAgain]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ....'Well now, that's different, You didn't tell me you had a prescription..'

[Lifesighs]

Are you referring to Vicki (Blithe Spirit)? I just heard she will be having serious surgery next week T2, I hope we can send her all our good vibes and positive thoughts or prayers for a wonderful outcome.

[ProblemAgain]

Senior Romance


They met in the social center and discovered over time that they
 enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely
evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his
age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age
being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable
roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd
shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose.

[ProblemAgain]

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath —

“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

[ProblemAgain]

Little Zachary was doing
very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors,
flash cards,
Special learning centers. In short, everything
They could
think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they
took
Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school. After
the first
day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his
face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to
his room and
started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over
the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She
called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he
marched back
to his room without a word, and in no time, he was
back
hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some t ime ,
day after day, while the mother
tried to understand what made all the
difference.
Finally, little e Zachary brought home his report
card. He
quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With
great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great
surprise,
little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no
longer hold
her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it
the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well,
then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the
uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her
and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed
to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[ProblemAgain]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his yearly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[ProblemAgain]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green. The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

  Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." 

   At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, red-haired woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart
 
   The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, Fadder, I tink it's just da reflection off her shoes................"

[ProblemAgain]

this reminds me of someone....

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Doga Seven48]

Patricia you got full marks,,, I love thi

[blithe spirit]

Thanks for the yuck yucks ya'll. Laughing is a good thing..beats moaning and groaning and whining, for sure.

Hopefully this will be easy peasy done and over.... just a little blip and get back to life.

[Lifesighs]

That sounds great Vicki, easy peasy done and over. I'll be holding that in my thoughts for you and trying to remember a good joke punchline for your recovery days. 

My failing is loving good jokes but forgetting the punchlines.