What would YOU do?

[Kim]

A couple of years ago, my NOW 25 year old daughter announced she was moving OUT of her hometown and to MY hometown to "start over" after being laid off from a Vet Tech job with NO opportunities in her area PLUS she left her boyfriend. I told her to throw her 2 dogs in the car and just VISIT for 2 weeks and dont make that kind of drastic decision....YET! She agreed but 2 days before she was to return to Tennessee, we were in a bad car accident. My fractured sternum healed within 2 months but it took her MUCH longer to heal from a fractured back. She STILL hurts after 2 years but she is finally able to lift more than 10 pounds and find a job (about a year ago now) though she was never able to go back as a Vet Tech.

As you guessed, she ended up staying here and even eventually liking it. Without a job, the only other option she had was to live with her dad and his new wife and family in Tennessee and they made it clear she could NOT bring her dogs, birds, and hamster. So, she STAYED here. When she got a job, I asked for half the rent, her half of car insurance, (she had a hard time getting a license renewed to Pennsylvania so she couldnt get her own), to clean up after herself, and ALL expenses related to all the pets was HERS. I have 2 dogs also but we agreed she would buy the dog food. Well, she had a dog bite where she missed 3 and a half weeks of work. (She got a staph infection and ended up going to  the hospital for 5 days.) and around Christmas, they had everyone's full time hours cut down to about 25-30 a week so she would say, can I give you X amount this paycheck and I would AGREE.

Around February, I ended up moving in with an old couple I took care of for the past year and a half. I live here (at THEIR house) MOST of the time. I have a total of 48 hours OFF. When I first discussed this with her in the beginning of me possibly doing this arrangement   I said, I do NOT intend to come home and CLEAN. Though she seems to try, she is JUST not very good at it and the birds produce a lot of dust and mess. I TRY not to attack her but say something like, "THE bathroom REAALLY needs cleaned or kitchen, or vacuumed or whatever." So she will text me (Its hard for me to be on the phone because my old people are hard of hearing and they keep thinking you're talking to THEM....LOL) and give me this long list of what she did. When i get home, she did what she said but like if she cleaned the bathroom, the floor's a mess or the bathtub is dusty (I have a giagantic bathroom and one of those big "garden" tubs....just the thing every mobile home NEEDS!) or the garbage is overflowing.  We generally get along but she is a bit of an impatient  hot head like her dad and if I try to tell her she needs to do this and this and this, she will accuse me of not appreciating ALL she did.  I have let her slide on the money she owes me and told her she can pay me when she gets her settlement. SHOULD I charge her an EXTRA "cleaning fee"? I have encouraged her to THINK about what she wants to do with that money because it will be a lot and it would be bad to just blow it and live it up lavishly WITHOUT making some investments in, AT LEAST a car and a home (I did encourage a mobile home because: SHe could KEEP her pets and if she comes on HARD times, her "rent" would always be TONS less than ANY apartment. HA!! That's what WE thought...the joke is on us....she is getting BARELY enough to buy a new car. She insists on a new practical/reliable car and I cant blame her realy. She has one that BARELY gets her where she wants to go, as it is.

I have NO IDEA how long I will NOT live in my own home. The man died almost a month ago and I'm not sure how long his wife will last, to be honest. But in the meantime, should I charge her an ADDDITIONAL cleaning fee if its not kept up sufficiently? or just accept it for what it is?

[frenchy]

well i say you take her out back and beat the shit out of her .. and cook that cockatiel up in a pot for dinner .. 

[frenchy]

nahh not really.. but if i woulda been first and said that you woulda naturally came to her defense the very first thing and woulda seen that you were worried about a bunch of nothin .. cause in the end blood is thicker than water .. and she is blood of your blood and it don't get no thicker than that .. we don't always like or understand our kids , but we always love em .. which is of course how you feel about your daughter .. so concentrate on that and everything else will take care of itself .. enjoy you time together cause who knows what could happen ?? she might meet somebody and be wisked across the country to live with them forever and all you'll do is email and make phone calls .. and then one day you'll sit down and think gee i really miss them times she was here ..

 

[crestofwaves]

Don't it always seem to go/ You don't know what you got til it's gone...Ooh Bop bop bop.

[Karin M Fichtner]

My mother always told me, "When you grow up and have kids.....don't bring 'em to me to raise! I raised mine; I am not raising yours".  That stuck with me.  I was too gosh-darn stubborn and independent to stay at home anyway.  I moved out at 18-and-two weeks old.  Mom and dad weren't thrilled, but I felt I was ready. I took a small apartment with my best friend.  It was working, too, except my roomie decided she wanted to go back to school, so she was moving home to save money. So after trying to find another roomie I felt I could trust....I moved back home. Immediately, I knew it was a mistake.  I could feel the walls closing in around me the first day.  My friend quit school, and off we went again, this time for good.  We stayed together until I got engaged and moved in with my fiancé.  Shortly thereafter, she got married, too.  I never went back.  When I got my first divorce, my mom was all excited because she was going to find me a place near her house, and take care of my kids for me so I could work.  Nope.  Not for me. I had roots in Illinois....friends....not just mine, but my kids'.  I was uprooted almost every year of my childhood; I didn't want that for my kids.  So I stayed put.....and worked two jobs to keep the kids fed.  (no child support) It's just always been me.  I hate depending on anyone.  In my experience, most people can't be depended on, anyway.  By the time I was 26, I had been married 6 years and had 4 kids....a house....a dog, a cat, and two gerbils to take care of.  My kids all got out on their own early on, too.  I was around to help with baby-sitting, but working a midnite shift, it was hard to sit for them while they worked day jobs.  It was their responsibility to provide child care.  Not my kids.  Not my responsibility.  But I was there in case the sitter canceled, or the child was sick and needed a little TLC.  My younger daughter split with the father of her first daughter, and she and I moved into an apartment together.....along with her 3-yr-old and my 18-yr-old son.  We all worked and chipped in for the expenses.  She had her own car; my son and I split one between us.  When her girlfriend moved out of her apartment, Wendy moved out and took that place over. She has never been back.  Bill went out on his own at 19. His choice. I remarried and moved to Indiana.  When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, my younger daughter moved her family to Indiana, right next door to us, and was a big help when my parents were dying.  One hand washes the other, you know?  Now....they do for me. They say I sacrificed for them when they were growing up, and it's their turn to pay it back.  I think the debt is long-since paid in full.....but they all would be there for me if I needed them.  It was my son's idea to move me in here with him.  Soon, he'll be moving into another new house, and I'll be on my way.  Where....I'm not sure.  I have privacy in this house I won't have in the new one.  Like I said, I hate to give up my independence.  I am there for them when they need something.  And they repay it generously.  I have been blessed.  Now I see my granddaughters ...all in their 20s....all on their own and independent....working hard......and raising children of their own.  We don't live all that close.....but we are close.  And they know I would be on a train tomorrow if they needed me.