Unruly Step Children

[Lifesighs]

I have recently had an issue with two of my husband's children and I'm wondering if I should just forget and forgive again or do something.

My husband's ranch is a corporation, it was incorporated by his mother in 1960, at that time it was 800 acres, when his mother passed away, my husband split the ranch to 400 acres each but both were left incorporated. My husband owns 64% of the stock, each of his 3 children own 12% each. For many years none of the children visited until 20 years ago my husband's daughter decided to live there in the old ranch house. Because many of the out building were beginning to age in a bad way when I retired we went back to the ranch to restore what we could. In the seven years we were there we built two homes, one for ourselves to live in, one to sell for funds to restore the old ranch house. While we were there his two daughters didn't like what we decided to accomplish so they tried to have my husband declared incompetent so they could get control of the ranch. They soon found out that was not going to happen so they tried to show we weren't following the charter and other things. All that accomplished was the ranch spending money on attorneys. Over a period of about 18 months all was forgiven and the family became close again. The daughter who lived on the ranch was divorced so we (mostly me) decided to give her 5 acres on the river and put in infrastructure so she could get a loan and build her own home.

We accomplished that, she got a loan for construction (we guaranteed the loan and tied up our own funds until the home was built). In the meantime we put in a well and electricity to that portion of the property, we did all the paperwork so she officially owned the property, we paid for the survey and for part of the digging for the foundation. This cost about $30,000.

That all happened 3 years ago, now we are back in CA I'm thinking it all went well and suddenly we're getting calls from the other daughter claiming (yelling by the way) we aren't running things right and we're taking money from the ranch, we got a visit from my husband's son asking about what was going on. I showed him three years of bank statement with every dime spent on the ranch, he was totally satisfied that the only money not spent directly on the ranch went to family members, grandson needed 6,000 for a down payment to buy a home etc. I also showed him that on many occasions I write checks from our personal account for ranch expenses because it's easier than getting the ranch checkbook out.

Both daughters seem to be pointing the finger at me because I'm the person taking care of all the ranch finances. At this juncture my husband has left all his ranch stock to me or if I die first equally split to his children. My will also leaves an equal split to his children. After this episode we have decided to change our wills and leave all the stock to the Son who has never been involved in any of the drama. We will be doing that soon.

I am disappointed in my husband's daughter because without my action she would not have her land or home. I am disappointed in the other daughter because she has practically called me a thief without any cause what so ever.

Both daughters are now calling dad and acting like nothing ever happened. I don't know how I should deal with them, I have a hard time just letting it all go.

Any Advice?

[Lifesighs]

[Lifesighs]

Some pictures of the ranch house after we remodeled.

[crestofwaves]

It's family.  You did what you had to do and were open an above board about it.  With family, unless you want a lot of heartache, I would suggest let it all go in one ear and out the other.  It sounds like you and your husband are happy.  If there is a rift with the kids, he will not be so happy.

 

Dr. Joy Browne always used to say that step parents can't hope to accomplish more than being good hosts to their step children.  I believe  in that little nugget of advice.

The ranch house looks beautiful!

[Lifesighs]

Thanks Crest, it's a great place to visit. I know I should let it go, somehow I just think there should be a moral lesson they should learn about being a little grateful and making false accusations. My husband gets upset at one daughter but the other one he forgives no matter how she acts. I've always let time pass and never say anything. It's getting old though.

[crestofwaves]

One, it's hard being the step parent, especially if we expect anything. Expectations are built in disappointments.

Two, blood is blood.

Hard lessons to learn, but I don't fight these lessons.

[ProblemAgain]

it's not going to get any better. no matter what you do, you're the evil stepmother. get a really good estate attorney and be ready for them. and it is simple greed. they need to be informed that they will be sued for recompense of any and all attorney fees the corporation becomes encumbered with due to the individuals action. since it is a corporation and you and hubby have the vote by shares, you could set it up as a poison pill. any action taken by the individual against the corporation requiring attorneys et al will be paid for by an assessment of that individual's share of the corporation. and no matter what you do, they will think they are entitled to more and there should have been more for them. and yes, that is the voice of experience...it's an expensive school unless you prepare for it

[Lifesighs]

Thanks, we have a great attorney, the ranch corp. attorney is not the go to guy, he is aware of how the daughters behaved in the past though.

I would be happy if the ranch passed directly to the son, however my husband insists that it go to me in case I need it for my old age as an extra protection, I think he really wants to delay his kids getting their hands on it because he thinks they will sell it. 

More to come I'm sure. If they give me a hard time I will threaten to leave the majority stock to someone they don't like. Ha ha.

[Karin M Fichtner]

I am very transparent; if I don't like you.....you know it. I would have a really hard time being nicey nicey to either daughter.  I would, however, for the sake of my husband, be polite and as hospitable as possible to keep the peace.  They are his kids, after all; you come between them....you'll lose. 

So paint a smile on your face, suck it up, and be as friendly as possible.  Try to avoid any contact unless it's necessary, or maybe the Holidays.  We've all got relatives we tolerate at get-togethers and then ignore the rest of the time. 

[Lifesighs]

It was really funny to see the daughter who called and yelled for an hour post yesterday that it would be wonderful to get the people who created drama out of our lives or people who treat us badly. 

I was so good I did not reply at all to her post. It was tempting though.

I can ignore them most of the time because they're both living in another state. I asked my husband why this keeps happening with those girls, his son and my son have never asked for anything or complained about anything. I have a great relationship with my husband's two grands who live here. They both came over to let me know they think their aunt is full of it. Made me laugh.

[Karin M Fichtner]

I have only been a step-parent once.....in my second marriage.  He had two daughters, but the youngest lived in Florida with her mother.  The 17-yr-old, however....now that was another story.  She was a pothead who didn't believe in rules.  She had never graduated from high school, and wouldn't hold a job.  She lived either off her dad or one of her many boyfriends.  She stole from me on more than one occasion, and did her best to try to come between her father and me.  Luckily, he didn't fall for it. 

Now, all these years later, she is clean and sober for 20 years and more, and she's got four grown children.  She is married (#2) and living in rural Georgia.  She rides a motorcycle and is extremely active in Veterans' causes.  She visits the retirement home, and participates in charity rallies and motorcades to accompany veterans' burials.  She and I reconnected on FB, and she came through here last year for Rolling Thunder in DC.  She told me I was the closest thing to a mother she ever had, and was grateful for all I'd done to try to incorporate her into my family.  She apologized for all the trouble she caused, and we have a whole new relationship.  Who knew?  Miracles sometimes happen.

[uno,dos,3]

Nobody owes any of their children an inheritance. If it was me I'd remain civil but distant from the daughters.

[frenchy]

well we've all heard the stories about the poor little redheaded step children .. but that goes both ways .. stepparents get treated like redheaded stepparents too .. ask me how i know .. my second marriage is no longer for just this reason .. if i told you some of the things my little stepmonster did you probably wouldn't believe it all .. suffice it to say i finally told my ex this ain't never gonna change .. for quite a few years i was countin down the years till she would be gone and then i had my epiphany .. she ain't never gonna be gone .. she'll go , but then come back with three kids like a boomerang with all them kids .. i saw it commin where i was gonna be fightin on my own front lawn with one of her boyfriends and it pretty much happened that way .. some 19 year old little pissant punk tried to get all tough and try and break bad with me .. in my fucken house . and thats when i knew i had to go . cause if i stayed i was gonna go to jail for beatin that asshole senseless .. my ex now knows that i was right all along and has apologized repeatedly over it for the last 15 years .. we remain friendly but i steer clear of my stepmonster .. i won't let her in my house .. she came by once or twice with her mom and i don't feel comfortable if she's in my driveway ..i don't like that she even knows where i live .. and i can forgive .. but that don't mean i wanna go thru it all again .. i have a different life now and she's not part of it for a reason .. and she knows why .. and i'm sure at times she knows how bad she was and would like to make ammends but .. she's stolen her moms credit card .. twice .. that she told me about .. it think it was more like 4 times but her mom is too ashamed to say .. not to mention her checkbook a couple of times .. suffice it to say the more distance i can keep between us i the better i like it .. she lives in lehigh acres , which is why i live in n. ft myers .. and i'm not sure if thats far enough away .. she had a boyfriend who actually tried to kill her .. i mean literally . and my first thought was gee .. how does he get to kill her before me ?? if anybody had the right to have first dibs on killin her it should be me .. and if i ain't killed her yet how does he get the right to ahead of me ?.. i'm sure some of you might be surprised by all this cause i'm not a petty vindictive type of person .. and even now i'm not .. i've removed myself from that poison atmosphere and don't revisit it all that much .. i won't let that little stepmonster rent all that much space in my head , but again if i said everything she's done , you'd understand .. believe me you'd understand .. if i ever have a couple of hours and i do talk about some of the things she did most people can't believe it .. and while i did try to make a little bit of a joke about who gets the right to kill her first i'll just say .. STEPMONSTERS ARE NO JOKE ..