Marriage / Divorce

[Wayne Goodwin]

Some of us been married once . Some several times .

When you Got Married , How long did it take to feel you F--Ked up or knew it was going downhill toward Divorce ?

On the other hand is every thing right ?

Do you feel you've done your best to keep your Marriage alive ?

[uno,dos,3]

I got married  thinking it would be forever (TWICE).

The first time was for 17 years and the 2nd time for 3 1/2 years....I decided that I was getting worse at marriage and quit getting married over 18 years ago. I knew pretty early on that I'd screwed up the 2nd time. The 1st time it was over 10 years before things felt like they were heading South.

[Wayne Goodwin]

Took 5 years for me ...

[Lifesighs]

First marriage lasted 6 years since I was uncertain about how it was all supposed to be and had a low opinion of my own worth I kept trying to make it go, my friends kept telling me I was wasting my time, I finally ran across the last straw at the 5.5 year mark.

I had a long 8plus year single period that was wonderful but at a certain point I was vulnerable to being charmed by a snake, I basically knew right away, in fact I only went thru with the wedding because many friends went way out on planning and putting it together. I didn't want to disappoint them (I know, I was an idiot) I stayed married for 10 years mainly because he was out of town for 10 days of every 2 weeks. It finally became unbearable, he became more and more crazy and abusive, we were separated for the last 3 years it took for the divorce to be final.

My last marriage now is in it's 21st year and has been mostly wonderful the only downside is my husband is getting older, his memory is going so I'm beginning to be a caregiver more than a wife. Some days are much better almost like normal, others not as good but never bad.

[Kim]

When I got married at 18, I was pregnant with my son. We didnt really want to get married. In fact, a priest advised us to maybe not rush into it but raise the child together by living together till we were sure. ALL in all, things werent bad for awhile. He was laid off an engineering job about 6 months after we got married so we had to brush by on welfare for a bit. We were mainly on it for the mdical insurance because BELIEVE me...welfare didnt give us enough to pay our rent and electric let alone ANYTHING extra. He worked for his relatives to make it. He eventually ended up with a job that made a lot of money but it seemed to also bring him a lot of stress. He never cheated on me, he was rarely on a busiiness trip (I used to LOVE when he left for a bit) BUT He was a controlling pain in the ass sometimes but it probably didnt get bothersome until about 10 years into it.I remember when my daughter was 11 (we were married about 15 years by then), there was an "incident" when we were on vacation....the straw that BROKE the camel's back. He was a complete ass the whole time and we were with our kids and his sister's family who I was always (still am) very close to. I REFUSED to ride home from Florida with HIM and I secretly decided THAT DAY that when my daughter graduated from high school, I would be DONE with this marriage. It was TOUGH because every single thing I did was just WRONG in his eyes. Nothing I ever did was RIGHT. He even questioned me about my "STUPID" hobbies. Not all at once but he would say, "Why do you take all those pictures then make scrapbooks? After they look at it ONCE, nobody really CARES to see them again."  "WHY do you READ? DO you WISH you were those people in the books?"  "Why do you write FICTION and WHO are those people REALLY?"  He wasnt abusive and I wasnt afraid of him so I ignored most of his questions.  WHEN it was all over, he was SO UPSET that I wouldnt give in to his pleas to give him another chance. I decided I was already 40 and no use wasting my life with someone who doesnt like me very much. BY the way, he has JUST recently married his 3rd wife. I was his first.

AS for my views on marriage NOW? Well...I just dont see a point in getting married again at 47. Now that is how I feel TODAY...that COULD change, who knows? I mean, YOUNG people get married to build a home and family but older people who arent having any more kids...whats the point other than wanting to live together legally? My boyfriend and I,  for now,  are happy in our respective homes.

[Wayne Goodwin]

Congratulations many can't say that . My Cousin has been married 40 years , His wife is why ....

[crestofwaves]

The first time I got married because the times were so passionate!  Vietnam.  He went. I waited.  Very intense.  But I cried and cried right after the ceremony because I knew I would be unhappy.  He's a good man, but very very uptight, and I am just the opposite.  I was never myself in that first marriage and felt so happy and free when it ended.

I also had lots of single years between marriages, and I liked it, but I also liked men in my life, so there were some...good times.

When I met my "now" husband, I can remember saying to him early on,"Ugh.  You are like a husband."  He felt so familiar and I knew that no matter how much I didn't want to marry, his giving me the bum's rush would work.  This marriage is fine. Am I ga ga over him?  Is he my "soul mate?"I don't think so.  Do I think he is one of the best people I know?  Yes.  We have some neat things in common and that makes all the difference, and while he is laid back and I am neurotic, we are both kind of free spirits, so that part is fun.

[Karin M Fichtner]

I was over-the-moon in love with my first husband.  We had our first baby that first year.  By the time I was pregnant with our second.....he had had his first affair.  He promised to give it up and be faithful, and I forgave him and soldiered on.  Then another affair while I was pregnant with #3.  That one produced a daughter!  My daughter has a half sister almost exactly her age!  I wanted to leave then, but being pregnant, I was really vulnerable, and I had no family to fall back on.  My mother had disowned me long before.  So again, I sucked it up and hung in there.  By the time he had the final big affair (not counting the once-in-a-while ladies), my youngest was 8, and I had a teenaged daughter who could babysit while I worked.  That was it.  I asked for a divorce.  He absconded, and I had to come up with the money for the lawyer before it could go through. With the help of a friend, I made it.  I was married 15 years.....and the last three were a nightmare....emotionally and financially.   I think I was only married for a little over 6 months the second time before I got an inkling it wasn't going to work.  He walked off his Riverboat job, where he was earning extremely good money, to sit home and be depressed and "stare at the lightbulb" all day.  He eventually took to driving a truck, and it was all downhill after that.  It made it 6 years.  The last time, I was married 10 years.  For nine of them, I was happy as could be.  Then, shades of the second husband, he walked off a perfectly good job to sit home and play video games.  He had already told me to stop working because my knee was so bad, so I had to go out to find work again, which I did.  Then, while I was in the hospital getting my knee replaced, he was on the computer scoping out women.  He found one....and promptly told me to leave....because he was going to quit paying the mortgage and let the house go, and I was going to be homeless.  It was a bolt out of the blue.  I knew we were having some problems, but I never expected that. 

There won't be another time. 

[crestofwaves]

Holy S**T, Karin. You have had it hard! Congrats for making it through all that.

[crestofwaves]

 I've reached this age and never been head over heels in love for more than a little while. I've loved, for sure. that's easy.. But that all encompassing emotion that ties me intensely to someone forever...never had it. 

[AmerikinWmn]

I married my husband twice. Once at 18, after having our daughter. Got it backwards, I guess. He turned 19 just days after the wedding and we got along like oil and water from the get go. I remember  thinking as I signed the marriage license that if I grabbed it and ran, they couldn't file it and I'd be free. Strange thought for a new bride. We lived together for maybe 6 months out of 3 yrs before he finally got a divorce (I couldn't afford to pay for one). We saw each other off and on due to our daughter and we started dating again, eventually remarrying 2 yrs after our divorce. We've been remarried now for 43 yrs, and had a son during the 2nd yr of our remarriage. Most of those 43 yrs have been good, some not so much but we've made it through. Would I get remarried now if we ever split or something? I doubt it, I'm not up to trying to impress someone.

[frenchy]

awww.. love and marriage ?? i'm not so sure what one has to do with the other sometimes .. i've been married twice and was a complete failure at it both times .. almost did it a couple of more times too but i move a lot slower these days .. truth be told i like the whole idea of it all .. the happily ever after .. the passion for each other .. the soulmate thing .. but does anybody ever get that ?? thats the kind of marriage i signed on for .. but i never got it .. did i just marry too soon and not wait for my soulmate ?? and then how do i know my soulmate didn't do the same thing and just rush off to marry because they didn't wanna be alone ?? and then one day we find each other .. and then what ?? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...........

[crestofwaves]

It's 6:45am.  Frenchy, were you up two hours ago from the night before or are you an early riser, no pun intended?

Anyway, the number of married people I know who are still head over heals in love is very very few. For most, it's a life long commitment and relationship, so it is what it is but it isn't bad, ya know?

 The exception is if the partner died.  Those couples, miraculously, ALL were head over heels in love with their "soul mates" who were the most wonderful human beings when they were alive. Also, couples who never had children are very very close.  I can say most of the rest of us are not unhappy, and that's a good thing.

Frenchy, yes, I wanted the same kind of marriage you describe.