Both are bad, but which could you better cope with....

[crestofwaves]

Scenario one:  You find out your mate goes to prostitutes. Or if you are a guy, to cabana boys. It's not a habit, it's meaningless.

Scenario two:  You find out your mate has been in love with someone else too, but has never had sex with that person out of respect to the marriage.

[Kim]

Crestofwaves...You are so right on that one!!  Vows in a marriage (or in a committed relationship) should be sacred of course but I think people exclusively focus on the only IMPORTANT vow being NOT to commit adultery. If THAT vow is broken, things are often OVER between the couple. But how about when one spouse is ignoring the other, being overly dominant, abusive, disrespectful, controlling or whatever.....no one takes that too much into consideration as a broken vow. People need/want all THAT more than they want sex. Sex is just something that happens as a result or in the process of GETTING those basic needs. I am NOT saying affairs are OKAY. They're NOT but neither is being neglected or abused in some way by the ONE person who promised to LOVE and CHERISH you for the rest of your lives!

[frenchy]

well just to repeat my position and to be a bit more clear ..i never meant that i'd neglect anyone .. sometimes i think the biggest problem with an affair is the other person feels like they've been excluded which is why you have that feelin of such betrayal .. but if they included you because they loved you too and let you share it all with them ?? would that be worse than if they just snuck off and boffed somebody else quietly behind your back?? i dunno maybe i'm some kinda new age man or somethin but if i loved someone i'd wanna know .. and i'd wanna be included as opposed to bein treated like a mushroom ..of course you might not agree and thats ok .. we're all different . i don't recommend it for people who can't handle it .. for some its better they don't know ..     

[Karin M Fichtner]

I kinda see where Frenchy is coming from.  The older I get, and the more experience I have accumulated in my years, the more I think that loving one person all your life is almost impossible.  I have never been in a situation where I loved two men at a time, but I have loved.....deeply loved.....at least 4 men in my life.......3 of them I married.  I think it is perfectly natural for love to fade after a number of years.  That's the time when a couple has to decide whether or not it's worth hanging in there.  I could not deal with infidelity; my divorce record proves it.  But the problem I had with it was not that they found someone else attractive, but that they acted on it.....and then lied to cover it up.  I would much rather they had come clean and laid it out for me.  Then I could've decided what I could and could not live with.

I firmly believe there are as many kinds of love in this world as there are people.  Even with our children.....you don't love each one the exact same way.  If I knew my SO loved someone else....whether or not he acted on it.....I would have to step aside and let him go.  It's that old, "If you love something, set it free" thing.  If, then, he decided he wanted our relationship more.....and was willing to put distance between himself and the other person, I would reexamine my position and consider staying. 

As for the first option.....well, I had that happen.....twice.  I can't let that go.  I cannot lie with a man who's lying with another on the side.  I tried.  It made me lose my self respect, and I felt cheap and used.  I won't feel that way again; I don't deserve it. 

[uno,dos,3]

I think it's commendable that someone patronizes prostitutes. In many cases what they are actually doing is helping to support single mom's. In many ways a person is actually being altruistic......but then I always see the glass as 1/2 full.....maybe it's just me.