Oh...That was a good one!

[Syble]

What's your favorite clean joke?

[Syble]

Once upon a time, there was a mama skunk with two baby skunks.  One was named IN and the other one was named Out.

Usually when In was out, Out would be in or when Out was out, In would be in.

One day mama skunk said, "Out it's almost dinner time. Go out and bring IN in.  

In a flash Out was back inside with In.

Mama skunk asked, "Out how did you fine IN so fast?"

To which Out replied, "In stinked" 

[Jozee]

Lol!

[Jozee]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

[OneEyedDiva]

Groan....but that was a good one Syble.  LOL

[Aggie]

What do you call an Aggie 3 years out of school?

[Syble]

This is just a guess but my guess would be "Boss".    I say this because I used to have an Aggie boss.

[Aggie]

You are correct.  It took me 2 years and 7 months to become a boss.

[Syble]

[Aggie]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

[Mimi58]

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the cowboy and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a politician." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.

Now give me back my dog."

[OneEyedDiva]

♥THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME♥

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like a two year old!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee" (Exodus 20:12)...

[PartTimeBrewer]

"How did your mother know my mother?