Loss of a child

[Captain Hook]

Not sure what my purpose is in starting this discussion. Just know that something as been nagging at me to to put pen to paper. Maybe there are other people out there in TBD land who have gone through the same ordeal, I would hope not but maybe we could make some kind of a connection. Kindred spirits in a sense. Had two losses in my family this year. In April my youngest brother's oldest daughter died. I received that call at five in the morning. The family all went down for the viewing and funeral. My youngest brother and his family live about four hours from here. My wife, our other brother, his wife, our mother and myself went down. We offered what support that we could. I told him that I had no idea what he was going through but that we were there for him.

Then in August while I was at work my daughter called, she was sobbing. She told me that my son was dead. As we found out a few days later it was from a drug overdose. He had moved with his family to Iowa almost four years before and had not been home since. Legal problems here kept him away. I had spoken to him once in all that time. Not because I didn't want to, he made himself unavailable. I didn't like what he was doing but I still loved him because he was my son. He made some really bad decisions. His body was brought back for services and viewing. My youngest brother and his wife came up a couple of days before the funeral to be with us. They knew that we were going through. On the night of the viewing my brothers were there as well as my mother her husband and my step son and step daughter who I might mention drove five hours to be up here then drove back that same evening as they both had to work. That meant so very much to me. My step children stayed for a couple of hours. My other brother and his wife however stayed for just barely an hour then went home. They only live an hour away from the funeral really had no plans for the next day as neither of them work. I guess that has and does really bother me that I lost a son and all they could give me was an hour out of their lives. Still feel very bitter about it. I know some of you are going to ask if I talked to my brother about his leaving so quickly. Have to say I haven't as I am not very good about talking about such things.

To those of you who read this thank you for allowing to me to tell my story.

[larry kremis]

Thanks for sharing this Thom, typing this out could NOT have been easy. Two huge losses, I'm so so sorry. People react to loss in the best way they can, sometimes, very much differently than others may react. I know a very dear woman here at tbd who lost an infant many years ago, her husband was so distraught, as was my dear friend, that he didn't attend the funeral service. Of course, he should have mustered up the courage to comfort his wife as best he could and been there for her. Who of us knows what another person is going through and feeling at a tragic time like this?

Bless you Thom and may you continue to heal.

[Captain Hook]

Thanks Larry for responding to my discussion. I know what you mean about how can another person know what you are going through at the time of the loss of a loved one. As you said the husband through torn apart with agony should have gone to the funeral home to be with his wife.

I knew someone who told me that she didn't go to the funeral of her Mother because she couldn't stand to be in a funeral home. I guess I could understand if it was a distant relative or an aquaintance but not your Mother.

Again thanks for writing and I hope you have a good day.

[TuesdaysRuby]

(((((THOM)))))) I have not experienced the loss of a child, AND I PRAY TO GOD not be tested that way
I have however lived with a best friend who did loose a child, and it marked his heart drastically
and his life since. His child was 18 months old, and the lite of his life....
I pray for your sorrow, the hurt and pain from the experience .... not only that but the pain of
loss of life because of the stigma of drug use, and all the questions why......may The Holy Spirit ease your pain ....

[Captain Hook]

TuesdaysRuby, thanks for responding to my discussion. I hope that you never have to experience the loss of a child. I will be okay and the pain eases with each passing day. Of course my son comes to mind occassionally.
He had so much to offer but for some reason chose the wrong path for life.

I do appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

Have a good one.

[blondie 11]

Thom, I am the one that lost the child of 5 months and the husband that chose not to attend the funeral. I c an and will never forgive him. How anyone can be so weak, and leave everything for me to do. I was only 23 years old at the time. My sister and parents were my only support group. We awaited 7 days to try to get him to the funeral, he finally get home---2 hours after it is over. He was military. He was not at war, and could have been home in max 4 days. I still have all the records of the correspondance, with the government. He boarded 3 wrong planes. Enough about weakness of character.
You never recover from the death of a child. Do not ever try. Do not blame yourself or anyone else. The pain eases in a while, but it NEVER goes away.
Peace be with you and your loved ones.

[Captain Hook]

Thank you, Blondie for replying to my story. I have to head off to work now but I will get back to you as soon as I can.

[Janice71dg]

Loss is very personal and we each deal with it in our own way . I honestly do not remember if my husband was at our son's funeral . He was never at my side . I do remember going around and talking to the many friends who came to pay their respects and offer me moral support . None of my husbands family came although it was not for a lack of money . I absolutely had to keep physically moving around and talking in order to survive seeing my little boy in a casket . A younger sister told me later that she thought I was cold hearted not to be in tears every second .I only knew that I needed to be stong for others by being strong myself . I was dying inside every second and do not remember the next year much . I cried constantly when no one was around . Had it not been for my youngest son , I honestly don't think I would have continued living . I lived for him . We can never know the thoughts of those who have lost a child , but having lost one , I know your pain . Never judge a person on how they deal with loss as we all grieve differently and must bear the pain in our own way . Remember , the clowns face is only painted on . My most sincere sympathy on your loss .

[Captain Hook]

Janice. I wanted to reply last night after I arrived home from work but the best laid plans.. etc. Must explain that this is a second marriage for both of us and that it was my son whom we lost. My ex wife is the one who handled the funeral. Well, if the truth be known my daughter was the one who had all responsibility placed on her shoulders but that is a story for another time. I like you went around talking to friends and family. My family was there as was most of the ex's family. I even had a couple of aunts and uncles there. So sad that your husband wasn't there to be with you. I wasn't in tears evey minute either. I did sob when I saw him in the casket. Also cried before I went to the funeral. I too felt that I had to be there to suport my family. As afr as the actions of my middle botehr and his wife and thier leaving after only an hour was just plain selfishness on their part as the situation wasn't revolving around them.

May I ask if there is any possibility that we could write of more pleasant subjects. No pressure from me I will let you decide. Must take the dogs for our daily walk then start my chores.

[Captain Hook]

Blondie, I finally made it online. As I told Felicia the best laid plans, etc.

Whew, I must say that I had a lump in my throat after I read your story. At least in my case my wife was there. Must explain that this is a second marriage for both of us and that it was my son whom I lost. I can't say I know how you felt at the time you lost your child as we all grieve in our own way. Just can't understand why your husband wasn't there for you. I don't expect to ever recover from my loss. I won't allow it to dictate my life but will always have the memory of him with me. May I ask if you have other children now?

Do you think that there is a chance that we might have other conversations of a less serious nature? I enjoy meeting people and find this is a great way to meet people and read about different ideas and interests. So no pressure from me if you think that it is something that you would like to do please let me know.

[blondie 11]

good morning Thom, I enjoyed those 5 months I spent with her. She was born with major birth defects and spent most of her life in a military hospital. She knews who I was, and I did have her home some of the time. He(her father did not see her at all). on to the good part of life. I have two great daughters. One born before and one after this. I would love to meet and greet. I meet many people from your area as I run a hotel, and this time of year they are trying to get out of the cold. Talk later.

[Captain Hook]

I think I saw on your home page that you from Virginia. I was stationed in Norfolk while in the Navy from what I saw you have a beautiful State. We have something in common. Many moons ago I worked in the hotel industry. Worked as desk clerk and relief night auditor. Not my cup of tea I guess. Okay enough about moi. At least you were able to spend all the time with your daughter. It is also very nice that she knew you before you lost her. A pox on your husband for not being there for both of you. I am happy to hear that you have two other daughters.

Time to exit stage left. 'Til next we meet.

[Captain Hook]

Thank you Felicia, for responding. I have to head off to work right now but I will reply as soon as possible.