Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; ... - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing. (I had to Re-post)
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
In Texas if there is a sign on the fence that says "Beware of Dog" don't be fooled by the Pommie that runs to the gate. He is just there to wake up the Pit Bull.
In Texas, if you are a crook don't approach the tottering little old lady in the parking lot who has her hand in her purse. Isn't it amazing the size of guns that little old ladies carry?
In Texas if there is a sign on the door that says "back in an hour" go home or you will be waiting the rest of the day. However if the sign says "gone fishing" come back in the winter. If the sign says "gone hunting" come back next summer.
In Texas if the sign says "protected by Smith & Wesson" it is referring to the two Pit Bulls asleep on the sofa in the den.
In Texas if your driving directions are to "go to the second traffic light and turn right" be prepared to drive 20 miles.
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, Okay?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." (It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
Beer Fact: In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P’s and Q's."
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge out?'".
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Feline Physics Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Rules For Visiting or Living in Texas If you visit Texas….or if you are going to live in Texas, please keep the following in mind... ;
1. That ….."idiot red-neck" farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how freaking slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. So drive it or get the hell out of the way.
3 The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. And….Yeah, we saw Bambi……we cried and…..we got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a Flathead Catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your frigging pants up. You look like a freaking idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, well…we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. Otherwise… you get your ass kicked for bringing that crap into my home.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're really impressed. We have two million-dollars worth of harvesters and combines that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Don’t run up my ass because I am always armed.
13. We always eat dinner together with our families. We pray to God to bless our food before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to High School football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and white perch. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs! That's what they smell like. Get over it.. Don't like it? Interstate 10 and 20 go two ways - Interstate 45 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Frigging Wheat- go to Kansas. That would be U.S. 45 North.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season, or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough in Texas….we have those things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have loads of trees. Some of them have sap and it drips from them. Those are called Pines! You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our State, you get your ass kicked. No questions asked. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- both of them -- helped enact a measure to stop this. There is now a $1.50 fine for beating up a flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.
Mary and George are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later George turns to his wife and asks, "Mary, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
George, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mary, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Mary. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, George," begged Mary. "I didn't send that one, either."
George grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mary pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it Clarence Darrow Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer The Democrats seem to be basically nice people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who might stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time at the country club. ~Dave Barry The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952 A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote" Benjamin Franklin
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? "Kid says, "$101,237.64."Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said,"Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
The 176th anniversary of the signing of the Texas Declaration of Independence will be recognized during a free two-day festival, March 3-4 at Washington-on-the-Brazos State Historic Site.
This celebration brings the Republic of Texas era to life. The festival will be held on both Saturday and Sunday, from 10am until 5pm, with endless opportunities for family-oriented activities.
The Best Little Madam in Texas dies Remember The Chicken Ranch of Marvin Zindler/ZZ Top (and many more) fame? The last known madam of that infamous brothel, Edna Milton Chadwell, age 84, has died. view link
Miss Edna was a life-long Southern Baptist laywoman & gave money to the Women's Missionary Union of THE BAPTIST GENERAL CONVENTION OF TEXAS missionary programs.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me ther...e are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Aggie
Oct 20, 2011
Aggie
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Oct 30, 2011
Goldilocks46
Nov 1, 2011
Aggie
Nov 1, 2011
Aggie
Crazy Kolache Lady
http://youtu.be/NHQz5N8HDl4
Nov 1, 2011
Goldilocks46
Nov 3, 2011
Goldilocks46
Welcome, Grace Price!
Nov 8, 2011
Aggie
Howdy and welcome, Grace Price!
Nov 8, 2011
Aggie
Nov 29, 2011
Goldilocks46
Thank you for the church video, Aggie! Beautiful!
Nov 29, 2011
Aggie
Monthly Review of the Texas Economy — November 2011 Technical Report #1862
By Ali Anari, Research Economist and Mark G. Dotzour, Chief Economist
Real Estate Center at Texas A&M University
http://recenter.tamu.edu/pdf/1862.pdf
Government job losses are slowing Texas’ employment growth rate but the state’s private
sector continues to create jobs, offsetting government job losses. The state created 15.4
percent of total jobs created in the United States from October 2010 to October 2011.
Texas gained 232,500 nonfarm jobs during the period, an annual growth rate of 2.2
percent compared with 1.2 percent for the United States. The
state’s private sector added 287,900 jobs, an annual growth rate of 3.4 percent compared
with 1.7 percent for the nation’s private sector.
Texas’ seasonally adjusted unemployment rate increased to 8.4 percent in October 2011
from 8.2 in October 2010. The nation’s rate decreased from 9.7 to 9.0 percent.
All Texas industries except the information industry and the state’s government sector
had more jobs in October 2011 than in October 2010. The state’s mining and
logging industry ranked first in job creation followed by the professional and business
services industry, and the leisure and hospitality industry.
Higher oil prices continue to create more jobs in Texas. The state’s mining and logging
industry ranked first in job creation, posting an annual employment growth rate of 20.5
percent from October 2010 to October 2011. The average number
of active rotary rigs increased from 706.5 in November 2010 to 886.9 in November 2011
according to Hughes Tool Co.
The state’s professional and business services industry ranked second in job creation and
gained 60,000 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, an annual growth rate of 4.6
percent. Job gains consisted of 42,000 jobs in the state’s
administrative and support services industry, 17,100 jobs in the professional, scientific
and technical services industry, and 900 in the state’s management of companies and
enterprises industry.
Texas’ leisure and hospitality industry (arts, entertainment, recreation, accommodations
and food services) gained 35,000 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, an annual
growth rate of 3.5 percent.
The state’s transportation, warehousing and utilities industry gained 14,700 jobs over the
year, a 3.5 percent growth rate.
The other services industry (repair and maintenance, personal and laundry services,
religious, civic and professional organizations) gained 12,200 jobs over the year, a 3.4
percent increase.
Texas’ construction industry added 17,800 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, a
3.1 percent rate increase. Job gains consisted of 9,400 in
construction of buildings, 3,700 in heavy and civil engineering construction, and 4,700 in
specialty trade contractors.
Texas’ education and health services industry added 41,700 jobs from October 2010 to
October 2011, an annual growth rate of 3 percent. Job gains
consisted of 38,100 jobs in the state’s health services industry and 3,600 jobs in the
state’s education industry.
The state’s trade industry gained 39,100 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, a 2.4
percent increase. Job gains consisted of 10,900 in the wholesale
trade and 28,200 jobs in the retail trade industry. Trade is the state’s largest industry after
government, accounting for 15.7 percent of nonfarm employment.
The state’s manufacturing industry gained 18,200 jobs from October 2010 to October
2011, an annual growth rate of 2.2 percent. Job gains comprised
14,700 jobs in the state’s durable manufacturing and 3,500 jobs in the state’s nondurable
manufacturing. Major job gains in the state’s durable goods manufacturing industry were
in fabricated metal product manufacturing (7,800 jobs), machinery manufacturing
(9,700), transportation equipment manufacturing (2,700), and primary metal
manufacturing (1,100). Major job losses in the state’s durable goods manufacturing
industry were in nonmetallic mineral product manufacturing (2,100), furniture and related
product manufacturing (700), electric equipment, appliance, and component
manufacturing (700), computer and electronic product manufacturing (600), and wood
product manufacturing (1,200). Major job losses in the state’s nondurable manufacturing
industry were in printing and related support manufacturing (1,400), petroleum and coal
products manufacturing (200), paper manufacturing (500) and the chemical
manufacturing industry (1,200).
Texas’ financial activities (finance, insurance, real estate, rental and leasing services)
added 12,800 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, an annual growth rate of 2.1
percent. Job gains consisted of 11,700 jobs in the state’s real
estate, rental and leasing industry and 1,100 in the state’s finance and insurance industry.
The state’s government sector lost 55,400 jobs from October 2010 to October 2011, an
annual decline rate of 2.9 percent. Government job losses
consisted of 1,800 in the state’s federal government, 45,500 in the state’s local
government, and 8,100 in state government.
Texas’ information industry (internet service providers, web search portals, publishing
industries, broadcasting and telecommunications) lost 7,300 jobs from October 2010 to
October 2011, a 3.8 percent rate decrease.
Nov 30, 2011
Aggie
Nov 30, 2011
Aggie
Nov 30, 2011
Aggie
118th and last time with tu.
Nov 30, 2011
Aggie
In Texas if there is a sign on the fence that says "Beware of Dog" don't be fooled by the Pommie that runs to the gate. He is just there to wake up the Pit Bull.
In Texas, if you are a crook don't approach the tottering little old lady in the parking lot who has her hand in her purse. Isn't it amazing the size of guns that little old ladies carry?
In Texas if there is a sign on the door that says "back in an hour" go home or you will be waiting the rest of the day. However if the sign says "gone fishing" come back in the winter. If the sign says "gone hunting" come back next summer.
In Texas if the sign says "protected by Smith & Wesson" it is referring to the two Pit Bulls asleep on the sofa in the den.
In Texas if your driving directions are to "go to the second traffic light and turn right" be prepared to drive 20 miles.
Dec 1, 2011
Aggie
Dec 5, 2011
Aggie
Dec 7, 2011
Aggie
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, Okay?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." (It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
Dec 12, 2011
Aggie
Dec 16, 2011
Aggie
Dec 21, 2011
Aggie
Beer Fact: In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P’s and Q's."
Jan 4, 2012
Aggie
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge out?'".
Jan 12, 2012
Aggie
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
Jan 12, 2012
Goldilocks46
:-D
Jan 12, 2012
Aggie
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Jan 19, 2012
Aggie
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Texas A&M"
Jan 19, 2012
Goldilocks46
:-)
Jan 23, 2012
Goldilocks46
Some yellow roses for the Texas group...
Jan 24, 2012
Aggie
Feline Physics
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Jan 24, 2012
Aggie
Rules For Visiting or Living in Texas
If you visit Texas….or if you are going to live in Texas, please keep the following in mind... ;
1. That ….."idiot red-neck" farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how freaking slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. So drive it or get the hell out of the way.
3 The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. And….Yeah, we saw Bambi……we cried and…..we got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a Flathead Catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your frigging pants up. You look like a freaking idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, well…we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice
and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. Otherwise… you get your ass kicked for bringing that crap into my home.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're really impressed. We have two million-dollars worth of harvesters and combines that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Don’t run up my ass because I am always armed.
13. We always eat dinner together with our families. We pray to God to bless our food before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to High School football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and white perch. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs! That's what they smell like. Get over it.. Don't
like it? Interstate 10 and 20 go two ways - Interstate 45 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Frigging Wheat- go to Kansas. That would be U.S. 45 North.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season, or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the
rough in Texas….we have those things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have loads of trees. Some of them have sap and it drips from them. Those are called Pines! You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our State, you get your ass kicked. No questions asked. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- both of them -- helped enact a measure to stop this. There is now a $1.50 fine for beating up a flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.
Jan 24, 2012
Aggie
Mary and George are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later George turns to his wife and asks, "Mary, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
George, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mary, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Mary. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, George," begged Mary. "I didn't send that one, either."
George grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mary pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
George answers, "They'll find us!"
Feb 2, 2012
Goldilocks46
Hahahahaha!! Good one, Aggie!
Feb 4, 2012
Aggie
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it
Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
The Democrats seem to be basically nice people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who might stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time at the country club. ~Dave Barry
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote" Benjamin Franklin
Feb 6, 2012
Aggie
Feb 10, 2012
Aggie
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for? "Kid says, "$101,237.64."Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said,"Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
Feb 11, 2012
Aggie
Feb 11, 2012
Aggie
Feb 13, 2012
Goldilocks46
For all the members of this group - hope you all had a good Valentine's Day!
Feb 17, 2012
Aggie
Feb 20, 2012
Aggie
The 176th anniversary of the signing of the Texas Declaration of Independence will be recognized during a free two-day festival, March 3-4 at Washington-on-the-Brazos State Historic Site.
This celebration brings the Republic of Texas era to life. The festival will be held on both Saturday and Sunday, from 10am until 5pm, with endless opportunities for family-oriented activities.
I hope the link works:
http://www.birthplaceoftexas.com/Events.htm
Feb 29, 2012
Aggie
The Best Little Madam in Texas dies
Remember The Chicken Ranch of Marvin Zindler/ZZ Top (and many more) fame? The last known madam of that infamous brothel, Edna Milton Chadwell, age 84, has died.
view link
Feb 29, 2012
Aggie
http://www.chron.com/news/article/Last-madam-of-infamous-Chicken-Ra...
Feb 29, 2012
Aggie
Miss Edna was a life-long Southern Baptist laywoman & gave money to the Women's Missionary Union of THE BAPTIST GENERAL CONVENTION OF TEXAS missionary programs.
Feb 29, 2012
Aggie
Feb 29, 2012
Aggie
Feb 29, 2012
Bob Stepp
Mar 6, 2012
Aggie
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me ther...e are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Mar 6, 2012
Goldilocks46
:-D
Mar 8, 2012
Aggie
Tina, I am looking for that "feather falling from the sky". I will miss you.
Mar 14, 2012
Goldilocks46
For Tina.
Mar 17, 2012