We don't have to change friends if we can only understand that friends change.
No matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt us every once in a while. All we must do is learn to forgive. And forget.
True friendship continues to grow even over the longest distances. The same can be said for true love.
We can do or say something in an instant that will cause us heartache for life. Or joy and satisfaction for a lifetime. It's up to us.
Don't know about you, but it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I guess that's all right.
Always leave loved ones with a loving word. And enemies with a bit of understanding. It may be the last time you'll see either of them.
We are responsible for what we do. No matter what the circumstances.
You either control your anger, attitude, and responses or they will control you.
No matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be something to take its place, True respect seems to be the key to a lasting relationship.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. We meet heroes daily. Often, a hero is found in your mirror.
Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
You and your best friend can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
Much to our surprise, people whom we expect to kick us when we are down often are the first to help us get back up.
Just because someone doesn't love us the way we want them to doesn't mean they don't love us with all they have.
Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences we've had and what we've learned from them than how many birthdays have passed. Amen.
It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, it is necessary to forgive ourselves. Work on this one. It's worth the effort.
No matter how badly our heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for our grief. Remember Scarlett O'Hara's, "Tomorrow is another day."
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see it totally different. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Even when you think you have nothing to give, when a friend cries out, you will find the strength to help. Always.
When in doubt, don't. This may be the Rosetta Stone of human behavioral science.
Standing tall sometimes means stooping to help another.
There is probably a reason people find you boring.
Carrying an umbrella can cause it to rain. Ask the Weather Channel.
Think twice, act once. In that order.
Take good care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life. If you don't love yourself, how can you love others?
A Texas Aggie won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home, his wife looks at him and says, "What are you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother, also an Aggie, came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks, where my brother?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house, sees him sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What the hell are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin, What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give us Aggies a bad name, makin everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
Well, I answered politely, it's so hot,
It's popping the deer feeder corn!
It's so hot, I've fried green tomatoes on the vine,
It's some of the hottest temperatures I've seen.
My perspiration smells like bacon fat,
And I saw a funeral procession stopped at a Dairy Queen.
My asphalt shingles melted and ran in my gutters,
And I thought I'd stepped in some chewing gum,
But it was only the sidewalk melting,
It's so hot I eat jalapenos to cool my tongue.
Now we get hot water from both faucets,
And I'd forgotten that asphalt has a liquid state.
There's not much I can do about it,
So for winter to come, I'll just have to endure and wait!
1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
These are actual comments made by Texas Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Cause yhat's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.
A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
In Lake Palestine, they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!
But just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook"
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city." "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8.. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: The nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS :
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
What Is REALLY Important In Texas The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first female Texan as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ''So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?''
The father says, ''I don't think so. It's a 27 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.''
The daughter says, ''Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.''
The father answers, ''I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?''
''Oh, Daddy'', replies the president-elect, ''I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.''
''Honey,'' Dad complains, ''you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.''
The President-to-be responds, ''Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.''
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman Texan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad notices the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, ''You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?''
The Justice whispers back, ''Yes I do.''
Daddy says proudly, ''Her brother played football for the Texas Aggies!"
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
East Texas Etiquette
IN GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
"someone left the kolache out in the rain...I don't think that I can take it cause it took so long to bake it...and I will never have that recipe again" Robin singing!
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.
An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theatre. When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy, "Sorry, Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.
The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
Finally they had enough and summoned the police.
A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
"Where y'all from, Sam?"asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day' :-))
Goldilocks46
Jun 11, 2011
Aggie
Lyndon B. Johnson
Jun 14, 2011
Aggie
We don't have to change friends if we can only understand that friends change.
No matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt us every once in a while. All we must do is learn to forgive. And forget.
True friendship continues to grow even over the longest distances. The same can be said for true love.
We can do or say something in an instant that will cause us heartache for life. Or joy and satisfaction for a lifetime. It's up to us.
Don't know about you, but it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I guess that's all right.
Always leave loved ones with a loving word. And enemies with a bit of understanding. It may be the last time you'll see either of them.
We are responsible for what we do. No matter what the circumstances.
You either control your anger, attitude, and responses or they will control you.
No matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be something to take its place, True respect seems to be the key to a lasting relationship.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. We meet heroes daily. Often, a hero is found in your mirror.
Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
You and your best friend can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
Much to our surprise, people whom we expect to kick us when we are down often are the first to help us get back up.
Just because someone doesn't love us the way we want them to doesn't mean they don't love us with all they have.
Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences we've had and what we've learned from them than how many birthdays have passed. Amen.
It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, it is necessary to forgive ourselves. Work on this one. It's worth the effort.
No matter how badly our heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for our grief. Remember Scarlett O'Hara's, "Tomorrow is another day."
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see it totally different. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Even when you think you have nothing to give, when a friend cries out, you will find the strength to help. Always.
When in doubt, don't. This may be the Rosetta Stone of human behavioral science.
Standing tall sometimes means stooping to help another.
There is probably a reason people find you boring.
Carrying an umbrella can cause it to rain. Ask the Weather Channel.
Think twice, act once. In that order.
Take good care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life. If you don't love yourself, how can you love others?
from suddenlysenior.com
Jun 16, 2011
Aggie
Jun 16, 2011
Aggie
Jun 16, 2011
Aggie
A Texas Aggie won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home, his wife looks at him and says, "What are you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother, also an Aggie, came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks, where my brother?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house, sees him sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What the hell are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin, What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give us Aggies a bad name, makin everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
Jun 17, 2011
Goldilocks46
Thank you for the 25 Phrases that Speak the Truth. Lots of wisdom there.
Jun 18, 2011
Goldilocks46
Jun 19, 2011
Aggie
Jun 23, 2011
Aggie
Well, I answered politely, it's so hot,
It's popping the deer feeder corn!
It's so hot, I've fried green tomatoes on the vine,
It's some of the hottest temperatures I've seen.
My perspiration smells like bacon fat,
And I saw a funeral procession stopped at a Dairy Queen.
My asphalt shingles melted and ran in my gutters,
And I thought I'd stepped in some chewing gum,
But it was only the sidewalk melting,
It's so hot I eat jalapenos to cool my tongue.
Now we get hot water from both faucets,
And I'd forgotten that asphalt has a liquid state.
There's not much I can do about it,
So for winter to come, I'll just have to endure and wait!
Jun 25, 2011
Aggie
Jun 25, 2011
Aggie
1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
Jun 25, 2011
Aggie
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
Jun 25, 2011
Aggie
To save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. The list below covers most situations.
1. That's the way we've always done it.
2. I didn't know you were in a hurry for it
3. That's not in my department.
4. No one told me to go ahead.
5. I'm waiting for an OK.
6. How did I know this was different?
7. That is his job, not mine.
8. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.
9. I forgot.
10. I didn't think it was very important.
11. I'm so busy, that I just can't get around to it.
12. I thought I told you!
Jun 26, 2011
Aggie
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Cause yhat's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Jul 6, 2011
Aggie
Jul 11, 2011
Aggie
Jul 14, 2011
Aggie
Jul 19, 2011
Aggie
A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.
A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
In Lake Palestine, they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!
But just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Jul 19, 2011
Aggie
Jul 20, 2011
Aggie
Jul 20, 2011
Aggie
Jul 20, 2011
Aggie
Jul 21, 2011
Goldilocks46
Jul 25, 2011
Aggie
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Jul 26, 2011
Aggie
Jul 28, 2011
Aggie
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
Aug 8, 2011
Aggie
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8.. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: The nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS :
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Aug 10, 2011
Aggie
Aug 10, 2011
Aggie
Aug 10, 2011
Aggie
Aug 11, 2011
Aggie
The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first female Texan as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ''So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?''
The father says, ''I don't think so. It's a 27 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.''
The daughter says, ''Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.''
The father answers, ''I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?''
''Oh, Daddy'', replies the president-elect, ''I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.''
''Honey,'' Dad complains, ''you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.''
The President-to-be responds, ''Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.''
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman Texan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad notices the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, ''You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?''
The Justice whispers back, ''Yes I do.''
Daddy says proudly, ''Her brother played football for the Texas Aggies!"
Aug 23, 2011
Aggie
Sep 15, 2011
Goldilocks46
Sep 18, 2011
Aggie
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown
Sep 21, 2011
Aggie
Sep 21, 2011
Goldilocks46
Sep 22, 2011
Aggie
Sep 26, 2011
Aggie
IN GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Sep 26, 2011
Aggie
Sep 26, 2011
Goldilocks46
Sep 27, 2011
Goldilocks46
Re: East Texas Etiquette:
Sep 27, 2011
Aggie
Sep 28, 2011
Aggie
Sep 28, 2011
Aggie
Sep 28, 2011
Aggie
Oct 4, 2011
Aggie
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Oct 6, 2011
Aggie
Oct 6, 2011
Aggie
The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.
The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
Finally they had enough and summoned the police.
A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
"Where y'all from, Sam?"asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."
Oct 7, 2011
Aggie
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day' :-))
Oct 14, 2011