These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
To get your day going…from a friend!
! 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walked into a bar. the bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, A beer please and one for the road.
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, Does this taste funny to you?
7. Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? Well, It's not unusual.
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don't believe you says Dolly. It's true, no bull! exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs! Of course you can't I cut off your arms.
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall, One turns to the other and says, Dam!
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17, A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out to disperse them. But why they asked as they moved off. Because, said the manager I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan.Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked around barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different Dad jokes to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Happy New Year, everyone!
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth...
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees, fields, hills and gardens, it's days are filled with sunshine. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California … Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.
We got a baby frog and decided to get a DNA test for it. He turned out to be mostly Irish, a little bit Italian, somewhat German, and a tad Pole.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone famous there is to know. Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then", Dave says.
"President Biden!", his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep"Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago. Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the White house tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time. I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with, "The Pope!"
"Sure thing!", says Dave, "I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, "This will never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said,... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming about Mexico.
Whilst sipping his Tequila he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that dish you have just served?"
The waiter replied "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro", bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A great delicacy!"
The Texan said "Sounds good, please bring me some".
The waiter replied "I am so sorry Senor, but there is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight every morning. If you come here early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy".
The next morning the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday".
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied "Si, Senor. Sometimes, the bull wins".
Is it legal for an orphan to eat at a family restaurant?
If someone steals my identity and I kill him, would that be considered to be suicide?
If an electrician's teenager misbehaves, does he ground him?
My local fire department has announced that they are going to start charging $400 for each time they have to send out an EMS team to help an elderly person get up off the floor. That's just dandy, isn't it? I've fallen and I can't afford to get up.
A Catholic priest spied a parishioner enjoying some tasty smoked sausage on Friday during Lent -- a strict no-no in the church. The priest, being a pragmatic soul, told the man for his penance he was to bring a load of lumber to the church to help repair the roof.
The man grumbled, but went off to do his penance.
He arrived at the church on the next Friday and proceeded to dump a huge load of sawdust into the parking lot.
"What's this?" the priest wanted to know. "I told you your penance was a load of lumber, not sawdust."
The man replied cooly, "Well, if that sausage I ate was meat, then this sawdust is lumber."