These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. when he mentioned that he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked, "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words....!!!
A man boarded a city bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde lady.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at his bulging pockets.
Finally after several glances from her he said, it’s golf balls.
Nevertheless she continued to look at him seemingly puzzled and not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first Baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't Finished yet!'
The doctor den held up a little girl..
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by
this, and then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another Boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.'
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office and says: “I’d like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees”
“Yes sir, I believe I can help you” replied the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”
“Oh shore do!”, exclaimed the farmer, “Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar.”
“No no…, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.
“No sur,” replied the farmer, “I drive one of them John Deer’s”
“You don’t understand,” said the lawyer, “You need something like a grudge.”
“Oh!!” said the farmer, “I got me one of those! That’s what I park muh Deer in!”
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, “Sir, you’ve got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?”
“No sur”, replied the farmer, “I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin.”
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, “WHY do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, well…” replied the farmer, “She says we jus can’t communicate!!”
i know that farmer
Aggie applied for a road striping job! The first day he painted one mile. Ok his boss said, not bad. But did notice paint drops. The second day he only got 1/2 mile painted. Boss said don’t give up! The third day only 300 yards. The boss now gets concerned! On the fourth day only 50 ft. Now the boss is questioning his choice. On the fifth day, pay day, only one stripe! Now the boss is mad and ask, What’s the problem with only one stripe??? The Aggie replied, Well I kept getting farther and farther from the bucket!
This was surreal.... Today I was travelling on Mill St on my way home behind an ambulance. Oddly I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed a bag on ice. Crap, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.'”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”