These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HEL...Looooooo... I've got windows.!!"
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
this is exactly why i don't wear cowboy boots.
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community
And invited him to come to church Sunday morning.
It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.
He told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the
Pastor would drink some of his peach brandy and admit doing so in
Front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning, the man visited the church. The preacher
Recognized the man from the pulpit and said, "I see Mr.
Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him
Publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for
The peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were
ain't that a peach ?
Just my thoughts. I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent months about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in lies and twisted the truth but he's still out there proving people wrong time after time. Some people are jealous of someone who is successful, powerful, and has a lot of money. Throw in a hot foreign model at his side and they hate him even more. You may not have wanted him in his role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know it’s possibly going to get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is really turning things around in Tampa.
Grandfathers don't know everything!
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning.
In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “Why?”
The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
You know, when you get a bladder infection,