These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
An Aggie chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the Aggie chicken farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the Aggie chicken farmer! As they clink glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a Aggie chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
A husband was watching his wife fix a ham for supper. She cut both ends off, which perplexed her husband. He asked, "Why are you cutting the ends off?" To which his wife replied, "That's what Mama always did". This made her wonder why her Mom did this so the next week she asked her, "Mom, why do you always cut the ends of a ham off before you bake it?" Mom said. "I don't know Dear. Your Grandma always did". When the Mom went to the Nursing Home to visit her Mom she asked her, "Mom, when I was a child I always saw you cut the ends of the ham off before you baked it. Why?" Her Mom laughed and said, "Well Dear, we didn't have a lot of money when you were young and the oven we had was so small. A normal ham wouldn't fit so I had to cut the ends off."
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
That's funny! :-)
I cleaned it up.
Ole and Lena were Finnish farmers who, unlike other Finns who farmed in northern Minnesota, farmed in the southern part of Minnesota, adjacent to the Iowa border.
One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm to survey their property. After he finished, the surveyor met with Ole and Lena and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."
The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.
"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"
"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"
A Texas Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an A&M Aggie are blindfolded and lined-up in preparation for execution by firing squad.
As the gunmen kneel and raise their rifles, the Longhorn quickly rips off his blindfold, looks around and screams "EARTHQUAKE!" at the top of his lungs. He manages to escape during the ensuing confusion.
The executioners line-up once again and prepare to shoot when the man from Baylor yells "TORNADO!!!" The gunmen all stand and look around while the Baylor graduate escapes into the woods.
With only the Aggie left for execution, the gunmen line up and await the order. The Aggie, thinking quickly, rips off his blindfold and yells, "FIRE!"
An Aggie scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men who promptly beat the crap out of him...
Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE **TWIST**!!"
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman, Ole who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The Ole replied "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Ole calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
What do you call an Aggie five years out of school?