All Discussions Tagged 'humor' - TBD2024-03-29T11:16:56Zhttps://teebeedee.ning.com/group/keeplaughing/forum/topic/listForTag?groupUrl=keeplaughing&tag=humor&feed=yes&xn_auth=noWhat do elephants do for fun?tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2012-07-23:1991841:Topic:13847552012-07-23T14:19:35.816ZEddieDingohttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/EddieDingo
<p><span class="font-size-5">They tell '<em>people</em>' jokes.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-5">They tell '<em>people</em>' jokes.</span></p> Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Oletag:teebeedee.ning.com,2012-07-19:1991841:Topic:13841242012-07-19T15:01:50.560ZEddieDingohttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/EddieDingo
<p>These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.</p>
<p></p>
<p>A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).</p>
<p>She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"</p>
<p>"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."</p>
<p>"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."</p>
<p></p>
<p></p>
<p>These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.</p>
<p></p>
<p>A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).</p>
<p>She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"</p>
<p>"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."</p>
<p>"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."</p>
<p></p>
<p></p> What did you do in the war Grandpa?tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2012-07-13:1991841:Topic:13836522012-07-13T13:09:02.562ZEddieDingohttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/EddieDingo
<p><font face="times new roman,helvetica">Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?" <br/><br/> "I was, Sonny, but only until I fell asleep."</font></p>
<p><font face="times new roman,helvetica">Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?" <br/><br/> "I was, Sonny, but only until I fell asleep."</font></p> Important New Virus!tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2010-06-25:1991841:Topic:9955412010-06-25T03:01:38.133ZAggiehttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<h3>IMPORTANT NEW VIRUS!!</h3>
<div class="posting-body">The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into…</div>
<h3>IMPORTANT NEW VIRUS!!</h3>
<div class="posting-body">The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. <br/><br/>Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. <br/><br/>You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.<br/><br/>Bet you guys really thought I was going to be serious for a change!</div>
<div class="posting-body"> </div>
<div class="posting-body"> </div>
<div class="posting-body"> </div>
<div class="posting-body"> </div> What I learned from the Easter bunny.tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2010-04-04:1991841:Topic:9074402010-04-04T03:42:59.960ZAggiehttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<span lang="" xml:lang=""><br />
</span><p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Walk softly and carry a big carrot.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Everyone needs a friend who's all ears.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">There's no such thing as too much candy.…</span></p>
<p></p>
<span lang="" xml:lang=""><br />
</span><p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Walk softly and carry a big carrot.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Everyone needs a friend who's all ears.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">There's no such thing as too much candy.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">All work and no play can make you a basket case.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Everyone is entirtled to a bad hare day.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Some body parts should be floppy.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Keep your paws off other people's jelleybeans.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">The grass is alwalys greener in someone else's basket.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.</span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang=""> </span></p>
<p><span lang="" xml:lang="">The best things in life are sweet and gooey.</span></p> How to avoid the flu.tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2010-03-05:1991841:Topic:8500792010-03-05T05:55:30.356ZAggiehttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.<br></br><br></br>Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is…</p>
<p>Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.<br/><br/>Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.<br/><br/>OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!</p>
<p> </p> Is Martha Stalking Your Dog??tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-12-11:1991841:Topic:6528642009-12-11T07:16:49.975ZAggiehttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
Top 10 Ways To Tell If Martha Is Stalking Your Dog:<br />
<br />
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.<br />
<br />
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.<br />
<br />
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.<br />
<br />
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.<br />
<br />
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.<br />
<br />
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.<br />
<br />
4. Dog hair has been collected…
Top 10 Ways To Tell If Martha Is Stalking Your Dog:<br />
<br />
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.<br />
<br />
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.<br />
<br />
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.<br />
<br />
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.<br />
<br />
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.<br />
<br />
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.<br />
<br />
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.<br />
<br />
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.<br />
<br />
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.<br />
<br />
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...<br />
<br />
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans. the IRS audits grandpatag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-09-03:1991841:Topic:3292492009-09-03T00:11:35.598ZAggiehttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.<br />
<br />
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.<br />
<br />
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'<br />
<br />
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'<br />
<br />
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'<br />
<br />
Grandpa…
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.<br />
<br />
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.<br />
<br />
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'<br />
<br />
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'<br />
<br />
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'<br />
<br />
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'<br />
<br />
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'<br />
<br />
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.<br />
<br />
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'<br />
<br />
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..<br />
<br />
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.<br />
<br />
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous..<br />
<br />
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'<br />
<br />
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.<br />
<br />
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.<br />
<br />
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.<br />
<br />
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.<br />
<br />
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.<br />
<br />
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'<br />
<br />
Don't Mess with Old People!! Snake Bitetag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-08-23:1991841:Topic:2843532009-08-23T07:30:38.827ZL.C. DeMartinhttps://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/LCDeMartin
Snake Bite<br />
<br />
Kevin and Peter are hiking in the woods. Kevin gets bitten on his<br />
penis by a snake. Peter calls the doctor on his cell phone to find<br />
out what to do . The doctor tells Peter his friend will be OK if the<br />
poison is sucked out. Peter turns slowly to his friend and says to him<br />
"Well Kevin, after talking to the doctor.....he said.......he said<br />
that......."<br />
"Well what the hell did he say!!" Kevin cries out in pain.<br />
"He said............ you're gonna die."
Snake Bite<br />
<br />
Kevin and Peter are hiking in the woods. Kevin gets bitten on his<br />
penis by a snake. Peter calls the doctor on his cell phone to find<br />
out what to do . The doctor tells Peter his friend will be OK if the<br />
poison is sucked out. Peter turns slowly to his friend and says to him<br />
"Well Kevin, after talking to the doctor.....he said.......he said<br />
that......."<br />
"Well what the hell did he say!!" Kevin cries out in pain.<br />
"He said............ you're gonna die." Sick Lizardtag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-08-16:1991841:Topic:2535692009-08-16T02:49:38.363ZSedona7https://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/DebraKerr
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! I did... My uncle sent me this...<br />
<br />
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.<br />
<br />
Here's what happened:<br />
<br />
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.<br />
<br />
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can…
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! I did... My uncle sent me this...<br />
<br />
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.<br />
<br />
Here's what happened:<br />
<br />
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.<br />
<br />
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'<br />
<br />
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.<br />
<br />
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'<br />
<br />
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies..'<br />
<br />
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'<br />
<br />
I was equally outraged.<br />
<br />
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife<br />
<br />
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)<br />
<br />
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).<br />
<br />
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.<br />
<br />
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).<br />
<br />
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.<br />
<br />
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'<br />
<br />
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked<br />
<br />
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.<br />
<br />
We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.<br />
<br />
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.<br />
<br />
'It's breech,' my wife whispered , horrified.<br />
<br />
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.<br />
<br />
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.<br />
<br />
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.<br />
<br />
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)<br />
<br />
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.<br />
<br />
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.<br />
<br />
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze ,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).<br />
<br />
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.<br />
<br />
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.<br />
<br />
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'<br />
<br />
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.<br />
<br />
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked d.<br />
<br />
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ..um .Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.<br />
<br />
We were silent, absorbing this.<br />
<br />
'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.<br />
<br />
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.<br />
<br />
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.<br />
<br />
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..<br />
<br />
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.<br />
<br />
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.<br />
<br />
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.<br />
<br />
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter..<br />
<br />
Two lizards: $140.<br />
<br />
One cage: $50.<br />
<br />
Trip to the vet: $180.<br />
<br />
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:<br />
<br />
Priceless!<br />
<br />
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.<br />
<br />
<br />
Lizards lay eggs!