The following is typical Texas Humor.
for some reason, I can not get things to post here. The humor is in the first comment.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
And for today’s installment of “This Dumbass Shit Could Only Happen To Me”…
Wind chill is -15, so I figured the cows needed a little more feed this morning. I’m cutting the strings opening a new bale, pulling the strings off in a bundle. A cow had a couple of strings wrapped around her foot. When I jerked it to pull it free, she boogered and took off.
Unbeknownst to me, I also had the same strings wrapped around my foot. When she hit the end, it jerked my feet out from underneath me and I went down like 250 pound bag of duck shit. That boogered her even more so she shifts gears.
Now she’s dragging me across the meadow, over frozen piles of cow shit, impacting snow and rocks up my ass. I’m scrambling to get my knife out to cut away. I lost my gloves, glasses, and one Muck shoe. The other shoe, along with my foot, was tied to a freaked out cow.
I got myself cut loose and limped through the snow back toward my lost shoe. In the mean time, A bull decided to be a fearsome bale fighter and attack the bale that’s suspended in the air at perfect bull height…and on spinners. Before I could get there, shout profanities in three languages, and huck my shoe at the bastard, he’d unrolled three quarters of a bale in one huge, ass deep, pile, which he was standing on, snorting and blowing, proud as hell of himself.
I pitched a bunch of it onto the bale bed and scattered the rest as much as I could. On the bright side, I found my shoe, both gloves, my glasses, and my iWatch buzzed and asked me, “It looks like you had a hard fall. Call 911?”
No. Call Ace Reid.
Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".
Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's they don't know we is from Arkansas."
They enter the store. Then, with his best fake Texas drawl, Dale says "I'll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3. I'll back up my pickup and... "
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You all are from Arkansas, ain't ya?"
"Well, yeah," says a surprised Dale, "how come y'all knowed that?"
The shop owner replies...
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth...
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees, fields, hills and gardens, it's days are filled with sunshine. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California … Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.
TEXAS HISTORY HUMOR: The brewmasters from several breweries got together for a drink. The Anheuser Busch guy told the bartender, "Gimme a Bud, the King of Beers." The Miller guy said, "Gimme a Miller, the Champagne of Beers." The Coors guy said, "Gimme that pure Rocky Mountain water; gimme a Coors." The Shiner guy said, "Gimme a Coke." The other brewmasters said, "What, you don't want a Shiner?" to which the Shiner guy replied, "Well, if you guys aren't gonna drink beer, I guess I won't either."
A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming about Mexico.
Whilst sipping his Tequila he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that dish you have just served?"
The waiter replied "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro", bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A great delicacy!"
The Texan said "Sounds good, please bring me some".
The waiter replied "I am so sorry Senor, but there is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight every morning. If you come here early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy".
The next morning the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday".
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied "Si, Senor. Sometimes, the bull wins".
We have been made aware of coyote sightings around Palo Duro Canyon. Please remember merely seeing one is NOT reason to call 911. However, there are certain behaviors that are cause for alarm.
Coyotes carrying any product marked “ACME”
Coyotes dropping anvils from hot air or helium balloons
Coyotes posting signs such as “detour” or “free bird seed”
Coyotes in possession of giant magnets
Coyotes in possession of a catapult
Coyotes detonating “TNT”
Coyotes on roller skates with rockets attached
Call 911 immediately if you witness any of the above behaviors. BEEP! BEEP!
THE COWBOY BOOTS
So, did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
My electric truck- nobody touches my truck.
In our world of sustainable agriculture, I think it is important that every cattleman has an electric pickup. No I don’t have to plug it in every night. I am referring to the sustainability of the pickup. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping out to check a calf or a fence, and coming back to find the cattle using your pickup as a scratching post. I have had my share of broken signal lights and busted mirrors. So here is a simple trick.
Whenever you park your pickup in the pasture with cattle around, back it into an electric fence. As your truck sits on rubber tires, it has no effect. Only when your livestock (or yourself) touches the truck will it give a shock. This trains my cows not to rub on my truck no matter where it is. Soon, it won’t matter if it’s electric or not, they won’t rub on it. I just have to be careful getting in or out. Plastic door handles are great but if you don’t have them, simply leave your door open and enter and exit with a bounce in your step.