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These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"

"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied.  "Plus six cents for the tax."

"Oh," said the blonde.  "I wondered how they kept them on."

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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final wish."

The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can be arranged."

The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, in the style of Daniel O'Donnel, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can also be arranged."

The Welshman says, "After them, before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech once again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."

Hearing all this, the Englishman bursts out laughing.

When the German officer asks "And what is your wish?", he laughs even harder and says "Can I be shot first?"

Friends, Do y’all like prunes? I know they are suppose to be good for you and they encourage older people to eat them or drink the juice! I think I know why they want you to eat them but you have to be careful with prunes! I'll tell you how I know this! Y’all remember when you came in from school how hungry you would be? You were starving! Well one day when I got in from school mom had a big bowl of stewed prunes sitting on the table! I didn't know what they were or for that matter didn't care! It was food and I was hungry! I forked one out of the bowl and it taste pretty good, so I ate another one! Pretty soon I had eaten the whole bowl! Big mistake! Anyway I went to watch TV for a while, but my stomach got to making some weird sounds! And they got louder and louder! Sounded sorta like a puppy whimpering under a car! Then it started sounding like a puppy that had got run over by a car! And here is the bad part, we didn't have inside plumbing! And I needed it something fierce! So I tore out the door headed to the outhouse! Striping off clothes as I went, cause from the sound of it I wasn't going to need em, anyway! I made it, sorta just in time! I was in there for a while, thought I could leave, but I was wrong! Now I was in a pickle! I had done run out of paper! I kept hollering till my brothers were curious enough to come see what was going on! They thought it was funny! Imagine that? They just stood there laughing and having a big old time! But they were careful to stay up wind! Ha! And you find out who your friends are when your stuck in the out house, Naked, and have no paper! Try that some time with you best friends and see how they thin out! Finally I talked Jeff into coming to the rescue! Even if he didn't want to, and held his nose as he threw toilet paper rolls at me thru the open door! So don't offer me any prunes, cooked, raw or in a cake! Had me enough to do me so far! And life goes on, on Thompson Hill.

And for today’s installment of “This Dumbass Shit Could Only Happen To Me”…
Wind chill is -15, so I figured the cows needed a little more feed this morning. I’m cutting the strings opening a new bale, pulling the strings off in a bundle. A cow had a couple of strings wrapped around her foot. When I jerked it to pull it free, she boogered and took off.
Unbeknownst to me, I also had the same strings wrapped around my foot. When she hit the end, it jerked my feet out from underneath me and I went down like 250 pound bag of duck shit. That boogered her even more so she shifts gears.
Now she’s dragging me across the meadow, over frozen piles of cow shit, impacting snow and rocks up my ass. I’m scrambling to get my knife out to cut away. I lost my gloves, glasses, and one Muck shoe. The other shoe, along with my foot, was tied to a freaked out cow.
I got myself cut loose and limped through the snow back toward my lost shoe. In the mean time, A bull decided to be a fearsome bale fighter and attack the bale that’s suspended in the air at perfect bull height…and on spinners. Before I could get there, shout profanities in three languages, and huck my shoe at the bastard, he’d unrolled three quarters of a bale in one huge, ass deep, pile, which he was standing on, snorting and blowing, proud as hell of himself.
I pitched a bunch of it onto the bale bed and scattered the rest as much as I could. On the bright side, I found my shoe, both gloves, my glasses, and my iWatch buzzed and asked me, “It looks like you had a hard fall. Call 911?”
No. Call Ace Reid.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the I-45 coming home from work. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A farmer got pulled over by a cop for speeding
and the cop started to lecture the farmer
about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The cop stopped writing the ticket and said
"Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around a horses a r s e."
The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says,
"Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me an a r s e?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses a r s e."
The cop says "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says,
" Hard to fool them circle flies though. "

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable, despite the aches/pains.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
... AMEN

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".
Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's they don't know we is from Arkansas."
They enter the store. Then, with his best fake Texas drawl, Dale says "I'll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3. I'll back up my pickup and... "
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You all are from Arkansas, ain't ya?"
"Well, yeah," says a surprised Dale, "how come y'all knowed that?"
The shop owner replies...
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

Thibodeaux owned a farm. He had an old mule he used to pull the plow in his fields. It was a good, hard-working mule, so he took real good care of it, even giving it a place to sleep in the barn.
The only problem was that every evening when he tried to put the mule into the barn for the night, the mule's long ears would brush the top of the barn door, driving the mule nuts and causing him to kick at everything. In order to solve this problem, Thibodeaux decided to cut a larger opening at the top of the door, so the mule's ears would not touch.
As he was working on the door, his good friend Boudreaux happened by, and of course inquired as to what Thibodeaux was doing.
Thibodeaux explained the problem, and Boudreaux suggested that he could save himself a lot of work by digging the entrance down a little to make the opening larger.
Thibodeaux replied, "You fool, I done told you it was because his ears are too long. Not his legs!"

Every Wednesday morning, Uncle Danothy calls me and inquires if I want to ride with him down to the old country store. Where ensues, a big breakfast platter, black coffee, a pack of Marlboro’s, and an endless stream of unedited bullcrap from the other patron saints Uncle D calls pals, including topics such as politics, religion and ”Her”.
Today, no call. At 7:15 my anxiety got the best of me and I dialed him up. After six rings I finally heard a groggy, “Yallo”. ”I know your not still asleep. You’ve not slept past 5:00am in 50 years”, I said. I heard the bed creak as he sat upright. “Your not gonna believe what happened to me last night”, said Uncle Danothy.
“You know how I’ve been talking about getting one of them “jail busted” FireStick thangs, that my best buddy Clinton told me about, that you plug in your tv and it has all them channels on it?”, he said. I agreed and he continued. “I got it yesterday and after Aunt Pamothy went to bed I was channel surfing for a good Christmas special and things started getting weird.”, he said.
“I got up around channel 598 or 600 before I found a good movie.”, said Uncle D. I wanted to stop listening to him but I couldn’t. ”What was it called?”, with hesitation in my voice. “A ChristmAss Carol by Charles Dick-Ins”, he went on, ”this old man named Ebenezzer Screws is visited by 3 female ghosts the last one is the “ghost of Christmas Peter”…….”Stop it! Stop it! I don’t want to hear anymore!”, I said.
“Anywho, after it was over I took one of my Grinch pills, hopped in the bed and we’ve been up all night”, Uncle Danothy explained. “Grinch pills?”, I cautiously uttered. “Yeah, you know how the Grinch’s heart “grew 3 sizes that day”, well I grow 3 sizes with my Grinch pills.”
I hung the phone up on him.




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