These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Panties not the best thing but next to best thing
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocer,y gets the urge.
It's a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
It's on him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart"
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, arm less man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the arm less man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death onto the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell...”
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the arm less campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, arm less wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the arm less man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.”
A Blonde Lady failed the written Driving Test 4 times.
At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.
But the test had the same question, "You are driving at 100 mph.
On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.
On the road you see an Old Man and a Young Man.
What will you hit?
The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said, "I've answered this question all four ways, Wall, Cliff's, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times.
How is this possible?
What am I supposed to hit?"
The Examiner replied, "The Brakes!"
Two blondes walking home from the pub first blonde says, What a beautiful night. look at the moon. second blonde stops and looks at her friend, You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun. They started arguing for a while when they came upon another blonde walking, so they stopped her.
Madam, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun? the passer by looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, Sorry, I don't live around here.
A guy from out of state checked in to his hotel. He told the clerk, “That’s the biggest hotel sign I’ve ever seen!” The clerk says “Everything is big in Texas!” Later the guy goes into the hotel bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings a gallon mug of beer. The guy says, “That’s the biggest mug I’ve ever seen!” The bartender says, “Everything is big in Texas!” After a few of the beers, the now drunk guy asks the bartender, “Where’s the men’s room?” The bartender says, “Two doors down and to the left.” The stumbling drunk goes two doors down but turns right and falls in the swimming pool. Scared out of his mind he yells, “Don’t flush it, don’t flush it!”
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, "The Express News", a local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near College Station, Texas A&M University, Bubba Joe Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago... Texas had already gone wireless!