A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Male bees die after mating. That's basically their life. Honey Nut Cheerio
A BIT OF TRIVIA--On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words
after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant
leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Here it is!
“I have to go back into the dating pool, and I’m pretty sure there’s pee in it”
at least it'll be warm.
A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink.
He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, "That's never going to work."
"Shut up! I know what I'm doing, I'm a doctor."
"Well," says the cyclist, "I'm an engineer and I'm telling you if you don't take her ass out of the water you'll pump the lake dry.
His parents told him he could name his new pet dog and since he was a mischievous little boy, he decided to name the dog Sex. It seems funny at first until you imagine all the confusion that this caused.
One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.
I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog…”
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Q:How does a male elephant find a female elephant in very tall grass?
An old man was sitting in private box at Kyle Field with an empty seat next to him!
A young fan saw the empty seat and said to him. "Who on earth has paid for this expensive seat but not turned up! they must be mad, do you mind if I sit here?"
The old man sadly looked up and said. "For 35yrs me and my darling wife have sat together and watched every game, but unfortunately she has passed away so was unable to come, so you can gladly take her place if you like."
The young man thanked him for his kind generosity and sat beside the old man.
The young man turned to him and said. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but as sad as your story is, I have to ask, have you not got any relatives, like a son or grandchild or nephew that you could if brought along with you?"
The old man said. "Yes I have, but they've all gone to her funeral."
George and Carol decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Carol objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Carol, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Carol came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Carol , and said, "See what you get for $25?"
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."