You're killing me Smalls.....

[Jaylee53]

This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!

 

http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

 

 

 

I mean it...... :-)

[TeeBubbaDee]

[flippr 2.0]

I do that every year.

[Aggie]

AN ATHEIST GETS HIS WISH:
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked
over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run
even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked
over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but
he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent;
even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and
a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of
these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a
cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would
be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest
continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of
relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and
said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

[Aggie]

A couple wants to make love but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[TeeBubbaDee]

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Aggie]

[Aggie]

[officerripley]

Or she just let him * think* he won it ;-)

[TeeBubbaDee]

[flippr 2.0]

[Aggie]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'