Mark, I was no older than 4 when the sexual abuse began, and by that age I had already figured out the household ranking order. There was Dad/G-d, followed by Mom/Lynda/David. Mom had no more power than I did, and I had already figured it out.
Suddenly I feel a kind of vulnerability towards you. But I'm glad you know. I have never written what I lived through for 14-15 years. Hell, my husband knew something... but he didn't know what. But once you're trained in the ways of a victim, you know what to do - especially if you're very young. It's as if a scarlet V is displayed on your forehead and those men, the men who know how to read victim, spot you right away. I was raped by a college friend right before I started dating my husband. Despite a OB-GYN confronting me in front of Mark about obvious signs/scars of very early and frequent sexual abuse, I shrugged my shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and told her I had no idea what she was talking about. In my mid-thirties I crashed and began 8 years of therapy. Some things are just broken. But you know right from wrong. Mark and I raised our kids the way we planned, they never knew a moment of fear of us, frustration at groundings maybe. They were awakened in the middle of the night and carried into the backyard to hoot back and forth and a huge old owl. Child abuse, sexual abuse, to me is a choice. You know your past. You can get help long before parenting is in the picture. And that;s what I did. The ugly legacy of sexual, emotional, psychological abuse, and torture - not to mention the one night he actually tried to kill me, ended with me. Everyone has a choice.
Hey Mark. Thanks for the links. I'm in. I intend to read up on the beat movement a bit, it's something that as yet I haven't gotten my head around really, although it may prove that some of my stuff qualifies, not sure.