Ubercounselor's Posts - TBD2024-03-29T05:35:51ZUbercounselorhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/BrendaBondhttp://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/2114578017?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://teebeedee.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=1ftl4sr6otf0u&xn_auth=noKind of Bitter. Kind of Excited.tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-07-04:1991841:BlogPost:387152009-07-04T01:14:32.000ZUbercounselorhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/BrendaBond
I am having some red wine. I am feeling cocky and sarcastic and bitter and empowered. It is not just my embibing either. I have been hanging out with my friends who as a group are known as "chulas" which means "cuties" in Spanish. Dayum, that is so freakin multicultural----especially for a bunch of white chicks, plus the token: one latina, one Asian Indian, and one half breed Native American. Anyways, I am sitting around drinking and my mind wonders to thinking about fairness right? Of course I…
I am having some red wine. I am feeling cocky and sarcastic and bitter and empowered. It is not just my embibing either. I have been hanging out with my friends who as a group are known as "chulas" which means "cuties" in Spanish. Dayum, that is so freakin multicultural----especially for a bunch of white chicks, plus the token: one latina, one Asian Indian, and one half breed Native American. Anyways, I am sitting around drinking and my mind wonders to thinking about fairness right? Of course I am going thru a divorce, I mean who isn't? And yeah, I am one sour phukyn bitch, mmmkkkaaaayyy? But really, I am not bitter or sour or whatever cuz my soon to be ex mother fucker is a mother fucker. I am sour or bitter or whatever for wasting all of my young life behaving like an indentured servant. I am bitter at ME. People do to you what you allow and I allowed a quivering, gelatenous, drunk, snoring, philandering, ass to define me as "ingrate," "bitch," "cunt," "whore," and generally as someone with little worth.<br />
<br />
Do I want to gouge out his eyes and float his dick in a jar? Yeah. Am I gonna do that? Probably not. So what then? I decided to BLOG. Hey, laugh if you want but it beats the crap outta going to JAIL.<br />
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He is never going to read this blog, so I think if I say what I want here, then I will feel better, so here goes:<br />
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Dear Dan the Dickhead,<br />
<br />
I want you to know that I am not sure you are good enough to breath my air. Your girlfriend, Jennifer, is a freakin farm animal and I agree that you may need a place out in the country since her girth alone constitutes her as livestock. Moo. And even if she does not win a ribbon at the rodeo, I want you to know that you both have my blessing. I mean, how two people as gross and desperately unattractive as you both are found each other and dared get naked or jesus help me have intercourse is in all likliehood a sign of the apocalypse. I am now and ever shall be grateful for the first hand warning. I have now been able to look forward to each day as if it was my last. I have been able with the support of friends and my own new love, Ted, to see myself for the person I really am and the value that I actually have.<br />
<br />
So I raise my glass of shiraz to new beginnings and a second chance at life and to the hope that both of you die a miserable and painful death.Dog Stalkertag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-06-30:1991841:BlogPost:29442009-06-30T01:12:22.000ZUbercounselorhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/BrendaBond
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I know the noun "stalker" has come to mean something, I dunno....negative? But really if you look at the dictionary definition of the root word, stalk (hey I sort of made a plant pun there with root and stalk), well it is a downright appealing word. I will not bore you with the word by word definition, but it includes the following: stealthily, haughty, deliberate, persistent, and stiff--stiff can be good, right? Anyways, "stalk" and "stalker" are…
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I know the noun "stalker" has come to mean something, I dunno....negative? But really if you look at the dictionary definition of the root word, stalk (hey I sort of made a plant pun there with root and stalk), well it is a downright appealing word. I will not bore you with the word by word definition, but it includes the following: stealthily, haughty, deliberate, persistent, and stiff--stiff can be good, right? Anyways, "stalk" and "stalker" are even more appealing when you are able to ignore the other descriptives like: menacing, sinister, unlawful, and my personal favorite, derangement.<br />
And speaking of "stalk" and "stalker," I think this would be a great name for a movie, kinda like Dumb and Dumber.<br />
<br />
Stalking however it may come into ones life can be freaking cute as hell <a href="http://www.blueq.com/shop/114-catId.117440644_114-productId.0.html">(http://www.blueq.com/shop/114-catId.117440644_114-productId.0.html</a>) when the persistent and deranged perpetrator is a pug. Seriously. This is my favorite thing about my dog, Iris Iona Bond. I love this animal more than my own hair color. More than my kickass Adidas Bounce black and hot pink cross trainers. More than chocolate chips stuck on a spoonful of peanut butter. OK, maybe not, but you get the idea. I soon learned that after her first vet visit, when Dr. Cruzen explained that pugs are "Velcro dogs," that he was trying to warn me. "Velcro dog" is vetspeak for "psycho killer" (quest que cest.)<br />
<br />
Dr Cruzen should have his own show, I swear to gawd. He is like the Mr. Rogers of vets. Sits on the floor and kisses the animals on the mouth and baby talks to them while interspersing copious verbal notes to his young teenage assistants who don't even know what shorthand is but can write in text language like "fixt anl glndz b4 cutg clwz," but I digress.<br />
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So for the first, maybe....year and a half I'd say, I thought it was cute when Iris would follow me around like a shadow but more like a shadow with lots of little teeth that are clamped to your pant leg and as you walk forcing you to slightly drag them around. I delighted in her little trick of climbing on my back to hold me down while scratching at the back of my head, growling slightly if I moved. Or breathed too deeply. Or had a thought that was too loud. I know...C-R-E-E-P-Y.<br />
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Then one day I was sitting, chillaxin, reading, and looked down to glance upon the warm, fat ball of canine at my feet only to find that she was gazing back up at me, transfixed on my face, glaring into my eyes, nostrils flaring slightly as she heaved quietly. I knew in that moment, that she was saying "I love you, but if I had opposable thumbs, I'd kill you. I'd kill you, cut you up and put you in the deep freeze." It was very puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin. It was only then that I could really see how one could come to enjoy having a stalker. I became aware in an instant that even though they pretend not to, celebrities kind of like it when strangers dig thru their garbage and masturbate in their bushes--I mean who wouldn't?<br />
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Oh, I need to make a clarification, or suffer the consequences, but when I referred to my pug as "fat" above, I really mean "large boned", "with winter coat", and "retaining water".Trashy is as Trashy Doestag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-06-30:1991841:BlogPost:29892009-06-30T01:00:00.000ZUbercounselorhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/BrendaBond
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Approximately 60 hours and counting. I am kind of ascared, but no way am I telling anyone cuz I am supposed to be so freakin tough. I enjoy very much being both tough and extremely girly. It is a skill you know? You look all sort of petite and like you can't run fast cuz you got on 4 inch wedges and your hair costs more than most people's house payment, but at the same time you know you can also kick a man's ass fair and square without ever stooping…
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Approximately 60 hours and counting. I am kind of ascared, but no way am I telling anyone cuz I am supposed to be so freakin tough. I enjoy very much being both tough and extremely girly. It is a skill you know? You look all sort of petite and like you can't run fast cuz you got on 4 inch wedges and your hair costs more than most people's house payment, but at the same time you know you can also kick a man's ass fair and square without ever stooping to coming near the bawlsaq.<br />
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<div>So I decide that a tatt will be sort of tough and will represent me well. I am all about gettin the tatt, right? Then I start to waiver, start to doubt my decision. I decide I need to talk about it, hear myself think out loud--see if I am REALLY ready. Then I hear the words,</div>
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<div>"You know, I am not at all interested in that, OK? I do not want to hear you talk about that. It is your body. You do what you want. I mean, if you want spinning hubcaps for your van, then so be it, it is your van go ahead, but I do not want to hear about it." (Imagine right here that sudden sound of music playing and then the record player needle zipping off to one side, a brief scratching noise then silence).</div>
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<div>"What?" I say.</div>
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<div>The response, "You know how I feel about that" (head turns away for dramatic effect).</div>
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<div>Being not completely freaking stupid, I completely am cognizant of what the person really thinks about my potential tattoo but cannot stop myself from forming the words, "No, actually, I don't." Those words plod out of my mouth in slo-mo like it must seem for those unfortunate druggies who smoke mandrax out of bongs or something.</div>
<div>"Well," the person replies "it is trashy, don't ya think?"</div>
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<div>Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit. Wow, that NEVER occurred to me (sarcasm) let me rethink my choice and THANX soooooooooooooo much for that incredible insight. Even thinking this I replied, "Hmmm...O.K."</div>
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<div>Listen anything can be trashy. I hate to sound all Forest Gump (kick ass sound track BTW) but trashy is as trashy does. I could install a pole in my living room, stick cucumbers slices across the unspeakable parts of my upper womanliness, throw on a thong and 8 inch patent leather stilettos and spin endlessly while the neighbors tossed dollars at me, and still, I would not be trashy, mmmmmkkkkaaayyyy????? Let me tell you what "trashy" is. Trashy is throwing a person you are supposed to love under the bus. Trashy is abandoning a person in body and spirit when they need you most. Trashy is begrudging a person an enviable life that they have damned well earned because you have issues that you cannot keep contained.</div>
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<div>I could go on, but I choose not to. I could forgo the tatt, but I choose not to. My tatt has a lot of symbolic meaning to me which I guess is why this is such a bailiwick. My idea was to get a lizard because they can shed their skin, rejuvenate a lost tail, change colors to adapt to their environment, are widely misunderstood and under appreciated, require a warm climate, but can survive the coldest winter only to reemerge victorious at the thaw. Although silent, they are expressive and in great numbers, can eradicate most garden pests. I think of the lizard as a symbol of metamorphosis, of my metamorphosis.</div>
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<div>So if there was any glimmer of doubt that I was going to show up at Elektra Art in Ingleside this Saturday morning with 12 of my dearest friends to celebrate my inner and outer changes I can tell you that hesitancy peeled away when I heard "trashy."</div>Love Me Some Alicetag:teebeedee.ning.com,2009-06-30:1991841:BlogPost:27192009-06-30T00:30:00.000ZUbercounselorhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/BrendaBond
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I saw this woman on T.V., Mary Alice from Ace of Cakes, and she has a tatt of Alice in Wonderland on her upper arm. One of those cool illustrations like the original book must have had--not all Disneyfied. So anyway, besides the name relation, I got to wondering why Mary Alice had chosen this one. Then I got to thinking about Alice in Wonderland---got to thinking about what an absolutely original and freakin trippy story it is.<br />
<br />
Alice is a hero isn't…
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I saw this woman on T.V., Mary Alice from Ace of Cakes, and she has a tatt of Alice in Wonderland on her upper arm. One of those cool illustrations like the original book must have had--not all Disneyfied. So anyway, besides the name relation, I got to wondering why Mary Alice had chosen this one. Then I got to thinking about Alice in Wonderland---got to thinking about what an absolutely original and freakin trippy story it is.<br />
<br />
Alice is a hero isn't she? I mean the chick falls down a ginormous rabbit hole and all hell breaks loose, right? One minute she is reading a book and the next, she is running after a talking white rabbit and drinking some stuff that makes her small so she can traipse around in the garden she finds down there and then after that she eats a cake that says "EAT ME" and she grows way big. You know how many times I have wanted to scream "Hey, EAT ME!"? Anyway, this is pretty cool if you think about it. It takes balls to turn a near death experience into a fairly fascinating evening underground.<br />
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I also love that "rabbit" is synonymous with being afraid, cowardly and that Alice is such a bad ass, yet follows the scaredy cat into chaos for some stupid reason.<br />
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I am inspired by this having recently fallen down my own proverbial rabbit hole. Well, it is more of a mud mired pig pen. I didn't follow a clever and dapperly dressed rabbit either but more like, well, like a pig. I think I have even said "EAT ME" a couple of times. I see myself, like Alice, having followed a coward.<br />
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When the rabbit gets all bossy and tells Alice to "fetch" him his fan, he sets her up to be mocked by the forest critters and she is pelted with stones. Man, I so get that, right? You get bossed around by some asshole, but you think complying is worth the price of peace only to find out that you are being set up to be a brainwashed, isolated designated driver who thinks you are a worthless piece of crap. Run, Alice! Run!<br />
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I also love it later on when she gets fed up and goes OFF on the caterpillar telling him he is embarrassingly short--dayum the double entendre in that statement. I like that when Alice has had enough of the nonsense, she gets a little postal. She gets a huge attitude with the King and Queen of hearts and refuses to "hold her tongue" telling them they are merely a pack of cards.<br />
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Again, I admire that. Sometimes you have to call things what they are. You have to just say, "enough nonsense." You have to stop letting people yank you around and use you without giving two cents about you as a person, but only caring what it is that you can do for them. Only caring that you fill some need and that you give but never really truly wanting to give you anything in return. Nothing real. Nothing lasting. You have to believe the people in your life when they show you what they are. Embrace the ones who really love and support you and dismiss the ones who demonstrate what shallow, self-centered, cold-hearted bastards they are. For all of those people in my life I say "Off with your heads!"