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Keep Laughing!

The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 190
Latest Activity: Dec 4

Discussion Forum

Battle of the sexes 219 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Dec 4.

Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 100 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Dec 3.

Child Chatter 26 Replies

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Nov 18.

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Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 7:58am
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 7:55am
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishingtrip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and namecalling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.." When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......

SO HERE I AM!
Comment by Billy Bones on July 16, 2009 at 7:26pm
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
Any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
Wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
Therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex
Therapist, Dr. Chang. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the
Examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all your crose"....

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.. ...
Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So, she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy
Bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.... Dat why
You not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
Face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Comment by wee soozy on July 16, 2009 at 11:30am
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; That's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride!'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Comment by Billy Bones on July 16, 2009 at 8:28am
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, " Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
Comment by Billy Bones on July 12, 2009 at 6:11pm
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over,"Nope." Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow" Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" Margaret replies, "Should a bought a hat, Bert. Should a bought a hat."
Comment by Robert Knox on July 12, 2009 at 7:47am
a dad took his two boys out for lunch and the waitres comes over and asked jimmy what he would like for lunch... he thinks for a minet and says well i would like a god damm hamburger. his dad wacks him right out of his chair and the waitres with a stund look on her face turns to little johnny and asks him what he would like and johnny says sure as hell i'm not going to order a god damm hamburger
Comment by Ralph on July 12, 2009 at 7:41am
Glad to be a part of this group as they say "Laughter is the Best Medicine"
Comment by Robert Knox on July 12, 2009 at 7:41am
well just jump on in ...feet first if you like
Comment by Jake Doga on July 11, 2009 at 2:02pm
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A: Because someone told him to get a long little doggie!
 

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