TBD

TBD on Ning

Keep Laughing!

Information

Keep Laughing!

The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 190
Latest Activity: on Tuesday

Discussion Forum

Battle of the sexes 207 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Sep 10.

Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 91 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Aug 28.

Child Chatter 24 Replies

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Jul 8.

Comment Wall

Comment

You need to be a member of Keep Laughing! to add comments!

Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:44am
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask,
but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:41am
The Good Husband Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son,'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies,'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b*tch, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:30am
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!


SMART ASS ANSWER #1

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


Last one

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:24am
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:14am
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 42 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 42 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT EVERY NIGHT I GOT TO SLEEP WITH A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT NOW I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND ME A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED
AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE A MID-LIFE CRISIS
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 8:12am
The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad -

12. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hot Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market..

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6.. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty..

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 7:58am
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Comment by MikeMoff on July 22, 2009 at 7:55am
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishingtrip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and namecalling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.." When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......

SO HERE I AM!
Comment by Billy Bones on July 16, 2009 at 7:26pm
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
Any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
Wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
Therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex
Therapist, Dr. Chang. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the
Examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all your crose"....

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.. ...
Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So, she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy
Bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.... Dat why
You not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
Face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Comment by wee soozy on July 16, 2009 at 11:30am
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; That's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride!'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats,
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Members (190)

 
 
 

Badge

Loading…

© 2019   Created by Aggie.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service