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Keep Laughing!

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Keep Laughing!

The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 193
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Battle of the sexes 381 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie yesterday.

Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 89 Replies

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Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 329 Replies

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Comment by Aggie on June 1, 2010 at 4:11pm
Comment by Lowell Brandon on April 30, 2010 at 9:22am
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
Chief:"Governor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
Comment by Lowell Brandon on April 30, 2010 at 9:10am
On the first day of training for a parachute jump, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
Comment by Margie Arias on April 24, 2010 at 1:05pm
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How
do you stay in such great physical condition?"*

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why
I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up*
and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
Well, says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to
be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"*
Who said my Dad's dead?"*

The doctor is amazed "You mean you're 80 years old and your
Dad's still alive. How old is he?"*
He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he
golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach
for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a
golfer too."*

Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more
to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he
died?"*
Who said my grandpa's dead?"*

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"*
He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. *
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"*
No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today."*
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting
married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"*

Who said he wanted to?"*
Comment by Aggie on April 17, 2010 at 9:41am
"Umíte plavat?"
"Ano."
"A kde jste se to naučil?"
"Ve vodě."
"Do you know how to swim?"
"Yes."
"And where did you learn it?"
"In the water."

Posted for our Czech friends
Comment by Lowell Brandon on April 11, 2010 at 9:29pm
Lord, I'm Coming Home!

When a senior citizen drives:
At 30 mph, say, "A bit fast, aren't we?"
At 40 mph, say, "Is that speedometer working?"
At 50 mph, say, "Where's my Bible?"
At 60 mph, say, "I hope that ambulance is here for me!"
At 70 mph, say, "Where are my freaking heart pills?
At 80 mph, say, "Get ready, Lord. I'm about to fly!"
At 90 mph, say, "Lord, I'm coming home!!!"
Comment by Aggie on April 3, 2010 at 8:17pm
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Comment by Lowell Brandon on April 2, 2010 at 7:34pm
NEVER LET A MAN IN THE KITCHEN

The last few days I've made jello, the jello turned out so watery, I could have poured it out like water. Turns out I was using four cups of water, instead of two!!! I seriously need a woman in my life!!
Comment by Aggie on March 21, 2010 at 10:09am
Call the Nestle Hot line at 1-800-295-0051 (it might be busy, try again) When asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Keep going and press 4. Then press 7. Whoever thought of this at Nestle deserves a raise!
Comment by Margie Arias on March 18, 2010 at 10:56am
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 

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