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Keep Laughing!

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Keep Laughing!

The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 193
Latest Activity: 19 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Battle of the sexes 381 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie 19 hours ago.

Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 89 Replies

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Feb 27.

Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 329 Replies

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Feb 14.

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Comment by Doug Smith on March 7, 2010 at 7:41am
This one had me laughing harder than I've done in a long time:

Ole has a cow for sale and his friend Sven wants to buy it. Ole is going on about how wonderful a milk cow she is, but she has one unusual feature: when you pull on her udder, she passes gas. So Sven decides to check her out and when he starts to milk her, she lets out a particularly loud fart.
"So, tell me, Ole", he asks, "is she from North Dakota?"
"Why do you ask?", Ole replies.
Sven answers, "Because my wife does the same thing!"
Comment by Margie Arias on March 6, 2010 at 4:46pm
The Girls Getaway Trip...

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -Shopping,
casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and
tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting
you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...........Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over
my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" "I pulled his hands off to find all he was
wearing was his birthday suit.

He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............

On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to
the bed, so I did. Then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

"So, ... here I am."
Comment by Margie Arias on March 6, 2010 at 11:46am
Bar Scene

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't
have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. "I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
Comment by Goldilocks46 on March 6, 2010 at 9:36am
Hi to you, too, Kevin!
Comment by Lowell Brandon on March 5, 2010 at 10:54am
You are so right, Aggie. So here's a good one for you.

When we lived on the ranch, I was learning to drive by driving my dad's '49 or '50 Studebaker pickup all over the ranch. A number of spectacular incidents happened with with truck, but I'll just relate one here. We had a German renter living in our one-room cabin, and this was her last day there. The cabin had a chimney which was supported by a wooden platfom attatched the the carport. The renter was away from the cabin that day. I was just coming back from the barn when the pickup bumped that wooden support for the chimney. The chimney promptly collapsed, putting tons of soot all over the inside of the cabin. I decided that cowardice was the best route to go for self-preservation, so I went as far out in the field as I could. As luck would have it, the renter returned to find the cabin in shambles. I heard the most awful scream, "LOWELL!!!!!!" I'm STILL trying to figure out how she thought to scream MY name first!!
Comment by Aggie on March 4, 2010 at 9:58pm
Things ’round here’ve been quietern’ a hole in the ground…
Comment by Aggie on February 11, 2010 at 9:20pm
Valentine's Day
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A: Hog and kisses!
Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine Day!
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I'm sweet on you!"
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: "I find you very attractive."
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A: A hug and a quiche!
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: "You mean great dill to me."
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: "I love you a ton!"
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: "You're fun to hang around with."
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion!
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: "I dot my i's on you!"

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Comment by Aggie on February 9, 2010 at 8:36pm
Smoke Detector
One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Comment by kc on February 9, 2010 at 8:52am
Steven Wright in the HOUSE today!!!

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Comment by Aggie on January 26, 2010 at 8:12pm
New Drugs For Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to put the toilet seat back down.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
 

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