These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on I-10 coming home from my kids house. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”...........
Shared by a friend:
THE WAR OF 1812 AT WAL-MART
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?”
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . .
” I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?”
"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it.
” This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?”
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything.”
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look. . "Like, what's gonna’ happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?
We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture.
He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
See you guys at Wal-Mart!!
i should be spending more time there.i'm sure any wal-mart will work just as well.
A Jamaican lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried a creative defence.
*"My client only inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself. I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limbs!”*
“Well put!”, the Judge replied. "Using your logic, *I hereby sentence the arm of the defendant to 5 years imprisonment. His whole body can accompany it or not, as he chooses."*
The defendant, with the help of his lawyer, detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
well there ya go.
While living in Texas. I drove by my neighbors house. When I looked over in his yard I saw two of the biggest catfish I had ever seen hanging down from an old swing set. He and another guy were standing close by admiring their catch. Well me being curious and all I just had to stop.
I said my gosh those are some big catfish you got there. How did you catch them? He said he caught them on a trot line at the local lake. He said you wanna know what I used for bait? I said sure. He said he used two sixteen pound grasshoppers. Heck i wonder how he was even able to catch them. I tried many times to catch one. But they can jump 20 feet in the air or more. Just sayin.
Fred, where do ya reckon suicide bombers go when they die? Well, Barney I reckon they go pretty much all over the place.
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
If you don't send this on, you're chicken.