A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A couple wants to make love but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he'll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he'll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won't.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You're on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair's fair. Here's your money!”
Bob replied, “I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!”
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch . Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $499. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable? The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it real slow. ( com-for-da-bull )
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?
"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite awhile, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
But all men ... Are men!
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems thateverything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''