Since my interest in the Haiku form arose out of my exploration of mindfulness, most of my efforts will somehow fall under that heading. So rather than try to force-fit them into previously existing discussions, I will start my own. I make no pretense now, of understanding the nuances of the form other than the 5/7/5 requirement, so I guess they will mostly be "basterdizations". So be it, sometimes the message trumps the format. That being said, I promise to take the time to at least try to understand the rules that I may be breaking. I will start by collecting here the few that have been offered elsewhere.
Cocoon hangs empty
Security traded for
The beat of new wings
~ Annette Makino
That was wonderful. ツ
above a newly thawed stream
ducklings tumble in
Gently falls the joy
Not as the clatter of hail
But soft as the dew.
With a credit to Jean Paul Richter for the inspiration.
I understand that in this arena we are not concerned with rigidly adhering to form, but am I correct that technically, this one is a bit too reliant on metaphor?
Japanese haiku uses both intrinsic and extrinsic metaphor, so the short answer is, no--I believe your haiku complies with the "rules." However, I think the Japanese lean heavily toward extrinsic metaphor, which implies a metaphor which the reader may assign to the haiku rather than making it integral to the haiku. The Japanese feel that intrinsic metaphor is a detour from the thing, and not the thing itself. Very Zen.
The whole process of creating haiku in English which follow the rules and spirit of Japanese haiku is very complicated. Even great American and English poets seldom write a truly Japanese haiku. I think that's both about the differing structure of our languages, and the differing sensibilities of the cultures which drive them.
I hope I answered your question.
Pretty much how I thought it. Without saying it explicitly, my question was about the use of the intrinsic metaphor. It is the use of the extrinsic metaphor that I so love about the form and seems so outside of my skills to create. You are surely correct to attribute this to the power of differing language structures.
I have taken lately to thinking about how Asian language structure is so different and so influences the differences in the way it's users process thoughts. This came about first by working thru an English translation of the I Ching and reading the translator's repeated apologetics for the impreciseness of his effort. And then I performed a side-by-side reading of four translations of the Tao Te Ching. One of the most translated books in the history of literature (second only to the Bible from what I've read) and every translation is unique, like a different book.