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TBD on Ning

For some reason I've felt reflective the past few days.......at least as reflective as I care to be.....

When the weather get's cold around here I become a mall walker ( shudder). This for the uninitiated is like having the fact that you've aged thrown in your face. The mall doors open at 8 a.m. for the physical benefit of the geriatric set. The unlocking of the doors starts a stampede reminiscent of the running of the bulls.....except for the walkers, unsteady swaying, limping, and other physical impairments that aging bestows on many individuals..... a goodly number of the participants are in their mid-seventies and eighties and carrying on the good fight to remain mobile.   I join the swaying herd and always feel like I've become a part of the George Romero, zombies in the mall movie, I think it was called 'Day of the Dead'. Except I'm on a quest to stay alive as are all the people who I have joined. After walking in endless circles for an hour......exercise as a microcosm of life....I join some of the other codgers for coffee,  conversation, and woman gazing. At around 10 a.m. I often visit several, now open stores, and shamelessly flirt with several of the inappropriately aged (for me) saleswomen. I have been a flirt all my life...for me it's as natural as breathing. Several of the clerks refer to me as 'Mr. Cool'.....in a complimentary way I'm sure.....what with my braided hair and crocodile smile.

Now I come to the part that all my above rambling is leading towards.......more rambling. To the extent that I know myself......it's a true glimpse into some of my thoughts.....skewed as they might be. Like many of us I feel like I'm a younger person trapped in an older person's body.  I'm aware of having aged but I have proudly remained somewhat  immature for my age "with age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone". As I mentioned in my previous post I get more then a little excited by attractive, scantily clad women.....an affliction no doubt shared with many of my gender.  This brings me to reflect on things about me that have changed with the years...dare I say 'decades' ?   I was....and still am..... more then a little attracted to women who look like they can hurt me....what's changed is that now I'm afraid that I'd actually get hurt. The younger women I flirt with still hold a physical interest for me.....but I now have a stronger interest in not spending a lot of time with them....I'm clearly aware that we are generations apart....and not in a good way. I'm irritated by my assumption that they view me as a fun, HARMLESS, older man......somewhere in my psyche' is the strong desire to be thought of as dangerous.....even as the dangerous aspects of my behavior have become almost extinct. So this brings me to thinking about what draws me to some younger women like a moth is drawn to a flame and even as I have no desire for their companionship......their blossoming sexuality attracts me and I think I want them to still find me to be still vital and sexually attractive.....I think I need affirmation that I'm viewed as a sexual being. I need to fight the feeling that I'm entering old age......even as my body continues it's inevitable downhill march and onlookers pass by me with barely a glance in my direction. Every time an attractive women walks by me I turn to look at her and I am only too keenly aware that over 15 years have passed since I saw any of these women glancing back at me. DAMN IT!!

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Sometimes I still get looks-not often, but if I have my sunglasses on or I'm driving in my car,I still get a few looks, and sometimes from younger men--not kids, but younger men because my appearance can be mistaken for that of a younger person.  And I think, if they knew my age, if they actually looked at my face in the sunlight, they would not be looking.

 

On one hand, the fact that people don't look at me hungrily anymore is very sad to me. As I said yesterday, I still have an active libido and a sick husband--bad combination. On the other hand, I find it freeing.  I read a long joke somewhere about how if people are working on their house and have to run to Home Depot, in their twenties, they take a shower, change  clothes, put on make-up, cologne, etc.  In their forties, they wash their hand, maybe change their shirt if it has putty on it.  In their sixties, they simply get up an run to Home Depot.

 

And Uno, believe me, you are still attractive--it comes out in your writing, your wit, your stories.  Maybe you can't have a 25 year old anymore, but  you are the master of your own fate. Walk tall--and carry a big stick, lol.  I think that's the title of a movie mixed with something some president said.

Off to work subbing today...tata...

 

Well I notice you Joanna , just can't help it .....

You are wrong...They are glancinng back at you in awe! That is why I keep the bail fund handy, and though your memory may slip a little, my number is on the speed dial in your mind...(probaby you forgot the phone you don't own...)

You are probably correct again Dell. They are no doubt glancing back at me.......when I glance back my focus is always below shoulder level.....so maybe they are looking and I just haven't noticed.

I'll keep you posted on my "Escape From Wisconsin" this winter. No Florida....but several weeks in Hilton Head.......details to follow as soon as they are firmed up.

As soon as what's firmed up??? ;-)

Guess the details of his trip ...

I sure envy you Uno , what you descrive Is much how I feel . The last woman I was sexually with was 26 years old back in 1983 . Don't know how things would have worked out if I had an experience with an older woman . Guess I'll never know .

I think you have done well .....

 

I can relate 100% with your feeling, Uno.  I used to garner my share of attention.  I have always attracted some of that attention because of my height, but also certain....ah....measurements.  But what I really was most proud of (and it came naturally) was my walk.  I had great posture and a bituva sway when I walked.  My mother used to yell at me for it, and when I tried to walk without it.....she'd yell cuz I was walking like a robot.  So I gave up and let Nature do its thing.  My first husband used to tell me, "If I had a swing like that in my backyard.....I'd paint it red". 

Now....the walk is no longer part of me.  Arthritis and two knee replacements have done away with it.  Two "misplaced" disks in my lower back have ruined my perfect posture.  And on top of it all....I'm shrinking!!  I used to be 5' 10-1/2"......now I'm a measly 5 ft. 9 in.  All I've still got working for me is my long hair and my ....uh.....measurements. 

So, while I still admire a good-looking man ......and I don't know if it's a woman thing or not, but I have no interest in any male younger than 50.  I don't even notice them.  Hell, my oldest son is 45; the thought of lusting after a man young enough to be my son has a big "Ick Factor" for me.  But those older men either have a wife in tow, or they don't know I breathe the same air.  Inside, I'm still adventurous, lively, amorous, fun-loving.....all the things I was 30 years ago....only much wiser.  I am a long long way from being a dottering old lady, knitting in a rocking chair.  But I have resigned myself to the fact that my time in the sun is over.  "The moving hand.....having writ.....moves on".  Seasons change, and I am in the Autumn of my years, rapidly closing in on the Winter part.  I am learning to get used to it.  It's funny, though; I still feel I have something left to offer someone.....in the way of friendship, companionship, and, yes, even romantically.  But I had my chance, and now it's time to step aside and let the younger ones take over.  I am watching my older daughter, 47 today, grabbing onto all that life has to offer, now that her kids are grown and gone.  It's her time now. 

But I remember what it felt like. 

And I remember when I passed the torch to my daughter.  It's her time now, only she doesn't take full advantage of--keeps picking nice guys but losers financially and realizing they are not for her after all, so she's still single, and right now, not even dating since she just broke up again about a month ago.  When I sell my house, she goes with it, lol.

 

Reply by Karin M Fichtner 21 minutes ago

As soon as what's firmed up??? ;-)

gee you gotta be careful how you phrase things..

i had a g/f who was a little selfconscious about her figure. she told me when she was around me, she felt a little chubbie....bada bing bada bam...

Not much slips past me. 

i kinda noticed that.....

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