The following is typical Texas Humor.
for some reason, I can not get things to post here. The humor is in the first comment.
From a friend of mine:
I come from a mixed race family. Let me explain. Back in October of 1945 My parents had been on a business trip to New York and were flying back to Texas on a late night flight. My mom was eight months pregnant and she kept saying that she thought this baby might come early. So they cut their business/pleasure trip short to get back to Texas before the baby decided make an appearance.
About the time their flight crossed the Kansas-Oklahoma border she went into labor. There was a doctor on the flight and the stewardesses made room in the forward galley for a delivery. With their DC-3 traveling at 8000 feet and 195 miles per hour Glenn came into the world. My father asked the captain of the plane about their exact location. The captain told him that they were about ten miles North of the Red River. My father shook his head and muttered, "Five more minutes and he would have been a natural born Texan."
An ambulance was waiting at the airport when they landed. At the hospital a birth certificate was issued that stated under the place of birth, "Love Field Dallas, Texas." My father told my mother, "We must never speak of this; we do have that birth certificate." The baby was a well loved child and we raised him like one of us.
Each year when the University of Texas had their annual football game with Oklahoma University we of course watched the game on TV. Whenever the Longhorns scored a touchdown, Glenn would cheer along with the rest of us but we always wondered if deep down in his heart he might secretly be rooting for his fellow Sooners.
A little girl from Texas went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for the Lord's Supper, she was excited–and hungry.. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn't from Texas.
"How do you know that, dear?" asked her grandma.
"Because that was the poorest meal I've ever seen" she said. "Mama would've at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea."
A guy from out of state checked in to his hotel. He told the clerk, “That’s the biggest hotel sign I’ve ever seen!” The clerk says “Everything is big in Texas!” Later the guy goes into the hotel bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings a gallon mug of beer. The guy says, “That’s the biggest mug I’ve ever seen!” The bartender says, “Everything is big in Texas!” After a few of the beers, the now drunk guy asks the bartender, “Where’s the men’s room?” The bartender says, “Two doors down and to the left.” The stumbling drunk goes two doors down but turns right and falls in the swimming pool. Scared out of his mind he yells, “Don’t flush it, don’t flush it!”
COWBOY RULES FOR : Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, Nevada, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer, and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and BBQ Sauce! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, knows how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers, and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses, but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, "The Express News", a local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near College Station, Texas A&M University, Bubba Joe Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago... Texas had already gone wireless!
• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Totally good advice.
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the
greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
CAUTION!!! To all the people wanting to move here from New York and California (as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country)… and even to those just wanting to visit:
Before you come to TEXAS, you must be aware of what is happening here…
There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our woods, river bottoms, or lakes this summer…. I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
Mountain lions have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
Snakes…. don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins and the diamond back rattlers that grow as big as any house!
The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and in every town & they are after your picnic baskets…. and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms recently.
Watch out for the jackalopes; they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have Bigfoot invading our parks and it’s their mating season.
Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and are multiplying at unprecedented rates as they wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some of those Alabama grasshoppers.
Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps & automobiles…. and tarantulas are now stealing people’s food and biting like crazy.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns due to the rising costs of feeding them.
Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.
Oh…. and no one is vaccinated!
Come at your own risk!