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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

* Never take a beer to a job interview.

* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

* If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

 

 

Tags: Martha, rednecks

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