TBD on Ning
You're killing me Smalls.....
This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!
I mean it...... :-)
Tags: dead thread, key holder, roflmao, tickle me please
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TeeBubbaDee on
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Permalink Reply by Aggie on
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An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them,
“If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.”
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.” This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and
said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!”
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What do i look like ?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
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Uncle Bob and little Girl
It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause.
“Swimming pool? Is this 8*4-7*3*?”
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Smart Women goes boating
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors,and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times it's size when stimulated?
No one answered until little Mary stood up and and said " You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that". I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal and you'll get fired". With a sneer on her face, she sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and ask the question again.
Little Mary's mouth fell open and said to those around her, " Boy is she going to get in big trouble"
Mrs. Parks continued to ignore her and ask "Anybody"?
Finely Billy stood up and nervously said " The body part that increases to ten times it's normal size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye".Mrs. Parks then said, "Very good Billy". Then turned to Mary. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you did not read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed".
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