TBD on Ning

This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!






I mean it...... :-)

Tags: dead thread, key holder, roflmao, tickle me please

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This is one of those "you really had to of been there moments" but I'll try to relate it as close to verbatim as I can:

Yesterday I went to Lowes to pick up a couple of 1x2x8 laths to stake up tomato vines with. I planned to cut 'em down to about 6 feet in length and use the shorter pieces for something else. I found what I needed and decided to have 'em cut there so they would be easier to put in the car. I found a young man in the area wearing  the usual red Lowes vest and asked him if he would mind cutting 'em down for me.He looked to be in his middle twenties, was walking on his hind legs and appeared smart enough to do simple tasks. We got to the saw and....

Saw Guy, " Now how do you want 'em cut"?

Me: "Cut about 2 feet off."

Saw Guy: "Do you want 'em cut right down the middle?" (indicating with his finger a rip cut to cut the piece in half length ways)

Me: "No, just take about 2 feet off the length."

Saw Guy: "Exactly 2 feet?"

Me: "Doesn't have to be exact."

Saw Guy: "Which end?"

At this point I took one of the boards and made a mark across it with my fingernail and handed it back to him and said: "Just cut 'em right there.....all two of'em"

He did.......and then it got better, or maybe worse.

I noticed the little tag that has the price code on it was missing from each piece, but the  cashier is supposed to have an "app for that" at the register so I was not concerned. I should have been concerned.

At the register was a young lady of about 12 years of age and the discourse went something like this:

ME:"The UPC sticker is missing but this is two 1x2x8  laths I had cut back in the lumber dept. You should be able to look them up on your register."

CASHIER; "But there are 4 pieces here."

ME: I said I just had 'em cut back there."

She then took one of the long pieces and a short piece and tried to reconstruct it on the counter by laying them side by side.

ME: (doing second face palm in last 10 minutes) " I had 2 feet cut off each one......the length....I had 'em made shorter."

CASHIER: "Where's the UPC code?"

ME: " I don't know, Honey. Look it up on the register." They are 1x2x8's."

CASHIER: "Where did you get these?"

ME" (third face palm) "In the lumber dept." ( through gritted teeth)

CASHIER: "I'll have to call......what are these again?

ME: They are 1x2x8's.....and be sure tell them there are not treated lumber, just plain contractor grade pine."

I got a blank stare at that and decided not to talk any more lest I get charged for a washer and dryer or some such.

ME: "The price was $1.97 on the bin tag."

Another blank stare while she waited for someone to answer the phone.

I was eventually charged $2.49 each...the price for treated lumber, but at that point I just wanted out.

I did ask her if she would put 'em in a sack.....she actually reached for a sack....stopped and mumbled something about "they probably won't fit."

The scary part is these people can probably reproduce, and at some point may even vote.

Don't ever try to buy 2 yards of chain.  They charge by the foot. and my pieces were cut into yards.  I thought I'd never get out of there.

Try some pvc pipe and drill some holes for ties and you will never have to go back again.

An Aggie chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the Aggie chicken farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the Aggie chicken farmer! As they clink glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a Aggie chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


I figure Blanche never raised any chickens.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

I love this thread....can we bottle it?   :-)

A priest is driving home. A police officer behind the priest notices that he is swerving a little bit, so he pulls him over. "Sir", the officer asks "Have you been drinking a little bit tonight"? "Only water," the priest replies. The officer suspicious, shines his flashlight into the priest's car. He notices an empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat. The priest follows his eyes and cries "Good Lord", he's done it again!

Texas Size Mosquito repellent!

Wow!  Big bats require big balls!!




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