Your two cents or more please?

[BellaG]

Would you be my Dear Abby?

My heart is hurting an I am so torn in two between my love for a man and respect for my values. Am I being forthright? Am I being foolish? 

The skinny:

Since March I have been in a very intimate and close relationship with my first love. We separated as teens and he came back for me each decade, but the timing was never right. 

This pandemic that has been horrific for so many had a beautiful silver lining for us. We were thrown together 24/7 for weeks at a time and it was an amazing dream come true. He was my knight in shining armor, my everything.

Fast forward to post pandemic. We are both back to work and I stay with him at his home a lot of the time. He has done so much for me, opened his heart and his home, taken me places, given me great experiences, introduced me to his family and his close friends, treated me with respect and free choice, has snuggled with me every night and gives the best hugs on the planet. When he holds me I feel at home.

The one glitch?

Her name is Joy. Joy is his disabled brother's care taker. Joy is like a member of the family. Joy has a room at his house, like his brother does. His brother refers to Joy as his sister.

Joy also comes across as very jealous of me. Often either ignoring my presence or asserting possession of my precious love in one way or another to me. Joy is pig-headed and it's her way or the highway. Joy loves the exact music and food my love does. Joy and my love are the closest of friends. When she observes PDA's between my love and me, I can see the steam start to come out of her head.

Joy has a boyfriend that is very jealous of my love. Joy criticizes her boyfriend when he acts out over it. Joy usually stays over at her boyfriend's home when I am there and I notice she is at my love's home when I am not.

I feel that my love and Joy are like a close, happily married couple without physical intimacy. I also want you to know that I trust that my love and Joy do not have a physical relationship. 

The other night they were both drinking and I noticed Joy kept playing "handsies" with my love. This got me quite upset. The next day Joy started ranting about her boyfriend because he saw my love putting air in her truck's tires.

I blew. The last straw. The last needle stuck in my side...

Please know I am not a confrontational or aggressive person. I was emotional and I told my love and Joy that I needed to speak with both of them together. They resisted. I persisted. I had to confront them together for my peace of mind. I had to. I told them it was as much for the two of them as it was for me. I was shaking uncontrollably.

What ensued was like a volcano blowing over between Joy and I. Tempers raged. Raised voices and cursing abounded. Joy always had to one-up my questions with threats and ridiculous accusations and even threats of physical violence towards me. 

She even belittled the love between me and my love as puny compared to the years she had in with him. Apparently, they had a thing for a while but it did not last as my love is not physically attracted to her, but "God told her she had to stick with him and be his friend". So according to Joy, they have been together for 12 years in a meaningful, yet non-physical relationship. I also learned that my love told three past girlfriend's to take he and Joy's relationship or leave it. They left it.

Also noteworthy is that my love stayed neutral and even on Joy's side at first as he said he felt I was wrong and confrontational to bring them in together like that. The only time he verbally stepped in was when Joy started threatening me physically. I felt like I was on my own and trying my best not to let my fear and shaking be obvious. Not acceptable.

People, it was a scene. I have never been involved in anything like that. I told my love I could not go forward in a relationship with him as I felt his loyalty was to Joy first and foremost. He told me that is not true. But I come to my own conclusions based on the altercation.

I really thought he was my true love finally come to fruition and needless to say I am devastated emotionally and miss the feeling of being in his arms.

So please, your thoughts? 

I would expect nothing but kind and brutal honesty.

Thank you.

[Angharad]

First of all, Bella, I'm so sorry for this difficult situation and the heartbreak you've felt because of it. I know how deeply in love you are and how happy you've been.

Above all things, I'd say that if you can, go see a counselor who specializes in relationships. That's a shortcut way to get some perspective and to make a good plan on how to move forward.

Now for my thoughts... I think it's understandable that your love's relationship to Joy and her animosity for you began to upset you and grate on your nerves. I think a good part of that was your sense of being on your own in your exchanges with her. One would expect one's love to be one's support in such situations, and your love seems to have hung back--at worst, to side with Joy, and at best, to be more or less neutral. 

Your anxiety and concerns obviously built over time. Such percolating emotions tend to eventually come out with a "bang," as yours did. Was that the optimal way for it to happen? Probably not, because your emotional distress put you at a disadvantage and detracted from the rational concerns you were trying to put forward. But that's water under the bridge. And don't worry about it because it was not unreasonable.

As for your love's relationship with Joy...usually "friendships" between a man and a woman have a lot of space for the friends' partners. There's no jealousy or clingy-ness, name calling or threats. Why? Because if the relationship includes those sorts of behavior, and if one friend tries to interfere with the other friend's love relationship, there is usually more there than friendship. Okay, it may not be currently consummated physically, but emotionally it is a love relationship. And, at least on Joy's side, there is probably desire for a physical relationship. (I know it's very hard to entertain, but I would question deeply whether your love and Joy are totally done with their physical relationship--even if it's just a kiss here or a squeeze there. If they were, what would be the motivation for Joy's outrageous behavior? And why does your love stand by and let it happen?) 

As I said, I think you should talk to a counselor/psychologist to know how best to proceed. If you can't do that, I suppose I would not burn the bridge entirely if you haven't already. I would pull back to my home base, for sure. Let things settle. See how I felt in a few weeks and let him do the same. Then, if I thought it was worth it, I might call your love, apologize for the "scene" saying that it was the result of concerns that had built up, and ask him to come to your home (on a mutually agreed upon date and time) so that you two could have a rational discussion about those concerns because your relationship meant a very great deal to you. There is no need to bring Joy into the discussion. If you and your love truly have a love relationship then she is superfluous--just a bystander--in the two of you working things out.

I would discuss my feelings about what's going on with Joy, both as she relates to you and to him. And, of course, how he relates to her. I would be looking for a willing recognition on his part that it is a relationship that is not leaving room for your relationship, which should be his highest priority. I would expect him to say, ultimately, that changes need to be made, both in his relationship with Joy and with you. I would probably suggest that he come to your home more frequently than you go to his home so that you can have time together alone. But, I would also try to suss out the "big picture." Will his disabled brother (and Joy) be living with him forever? What would happen if your relationship went further--to marriage, for instance. How would the living arrangements and the whole deal with Joy work? (What kind of "carer" is Joy anyway?? Does she come through a legitimate agency or is she just some random person who volunteered to care for his brother? Why doesn't the brother have a male caregiver? The whole thing sounds fishy to me.) After you've had a rational discussion, you would probably have a better idea of what's really going on and whether you want to move forward. 

I've babbled enough. I hope these are the kind of thoughts you're looking for. Best of luck, Bella.

[BellaG]

Thank you for the very level headed advice. It's highly appreciated and just what I needed.

[Angharad]

❤️❤️❤️