Texas Humor - TBD2024-03-29T11:22:17Zhttp://teebeedee.ning.com/forum/topics/texas-humor?groupUrl=aggielonghornsandeverythingtexas&commentId=1991841%3AComment%3A1503859&groupId=1991841%3AGroup%3A97469&feed=yes&xn_auth=noOne day, a housework-challeng…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2024-02-14:1991841:Comment:20199812024-02-14T19:10:16.685ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?”<br/> "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?”<br/> He yelled back, "Texas A & M."</p>
<p>One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?”<br/> "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?”<br/> He yelled back, "Texas A & M."</p> My electric truck- nobody tou…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-05-30:1991841:Comment:20120462023-05-30T14:26:43.979ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>My electric truck- nobody touches my truck.<br></br> In our world of sustainable agriculture, I think it is important that every cattleman has an electric pickup. No I don’t have to plug it in every night. I am referring to the sustainability of the pickup. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping out to check a calf or a fence, and coming back to find the cattle using your pickup as a scratching post. I have had my share of broken signal lights and busted mirrors. So here is a simple…</p>
<p>My electric truck- nobody touches my truck.<br/> In our world of sustainable agriculture, I think it is important that every cattleman has an electric pickup. No I don’t have to plug it in every night. I am referring to the sustainability of the pickup. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping out to check a calf or a fence, and coming back to find the cattle using your pickup as a scratching post. I have had my share of broken signal lights and busted mirrors. So here is a simple trick.<br/> Whenever you park your pickup in the pasture with cattle around, back it into an electric fence. As your truck sits on rubber tires, it has no effect. Only when your livestock (or yourself) touches the truck will it give a shock. This trains my cows not to rub on my truck no matter where it is. Soon, it won’t matter if it’s electric or not, they won’t rub on it. I just have to be careful getting in or out. Plastic door handles are great but if you don’t have them, simply leave your door open and enter and exit with a bounce in your step.</p> THE COWBOY BOOTS So, did you…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-04-05:1991841:Comment:20109212023-04-05T13:46:43.353ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>THE COWBOY BOOTS<br></br> So, did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?<br></br> He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.<br></br> She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the…</p>
<p>THE COWBOY BOOTS<br/> So, did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?<br/> He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.<br/> She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..<br/> He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.<br/> No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em."<br/> Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.<br/> Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"<br/> He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."<br/> She will be eligible for parole in three years.</p> Shiner Bock saw his shadow t…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-02-02:1991841:Comment:20091702023-02-02T17:10:55.720ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10953279060?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10953279060?profile=RESIZE_710x" width="300" class="align-full"/></a></p>
<p>Shiner Bock saw his shadow today.</p>
<p><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10953279060?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10953279060?profile=RESIZE_710x" width="300" class="align-full"/></a></p>
<p>Shiner Bock saw his shadow today.</p> We have been made aware of co…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-02-01:1991841:Comment:20089882023-02-01T14:43:55.554ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>We have been made aware of coyote sightings around Palo Duro Canyon. Please remember merely seeing one is NOT reason to call 911. However, there are certain behaviors that are cause for alarm.<br></br> Specifically:<br></br> Coyotes carrying any product marked “ACME”<br></br> Coyotes dropping anvils from hot air or helium balloons<br></br> Coyotes posting signs such as “detour” or “free bird seed”<br></br> Coyotes in possession of giant magnets<br></br> Coyotes in possession of a catapult<br></br> Coyotes detonating…</p>
<p>We have been made aware of coyote sightings around Palo Duro Canyon. Please remember merely seeing one is NOT reason to call 911. However, there are certain behaviors that are cause for alarm.<br/> Specifically:<br/> Coyotes carrying any product marked “ACME”<br/> Coyotes dropping anvils from hot air or helium balloons<br/> Coyotes posting signs such as “detour” or “free bird seed”<br/> Coyotes in possession of giant magnets<br/> Coyotes in possession of a catapult<br/> Coyotes detonating “TNT”<br/> Coyotes on roller skates with rockets attached<br/> Call 911 immediately if you witness any of the above behaviors. BEEP! BEEP!</p> A Texan stopped at a local re…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-01-30:1991841:Comment:20090732023-01-30T23:32:16.978ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming about Mexico.<br></br> Whilst sipping his Tequila he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.<br></br> He asked the waiter "What is that dish you have just served?"<br></br> The waiter replied "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro", bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A great delicacy!"<br></br> The Texan said…</p>
<p>A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming about Mexico.<br/> Whilst sipping his Tequila he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.<br/> He asked the waiter "What is that dish you have just served?"<br/> The waiter replied "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro", bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A great delicacy!"<br/> The Texan said "Sounds good, please bring me some".<br/> The waiter replied "I am so sorry Senor, but there is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight every morning. If you come here early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy".<br/> The next morning the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.<br/> After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday".<br/> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied "Si, Senor. Sometimes, the bull wins".</p> TEXAS HISTORY HUMOR: The brew…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-01-25:1991841:Comment:20087982023-01-25T21:16:29.773ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>TEXAS HISTORY HUMOR: The brewmasters from several breweries got together for a drink. The Anheuser Busch guy told the bartender, "Gimme a Bud, the King of Beers." The Miller guy said, "Gimme a Miller, the Champagne of Beers." The Coors guy said, "Gimme that pure Rocky Mountain water; gimme a Coors." The Shiner guy said, "Gimme a Coke." The other brewmasters said, "What, you don't want a Shiner?" to which the Shiner guy replied, "Well, if you guys aren't gonna drink beer, I guess I won't…</p>
<p>TEXAS HISTORY HUMOR: The brewmasters from several breweries got together for a drink. The Anheuser Busch guy told the bartender, "Gimme a Bud, the King of Beers." The Miller guy said, "Gimme a Miller, the Champagne of Beers." The Coors guy said, "Gimme that pure Rocky Mountain water; gimme a Coors." The Shiner guy said, "Gimme a Coke." The other brewmasters said, "What, you don't want a Shiner?" to which the Shiner guy replied, "Well, if you guys aren't gonna drink beer, I guess I won't either."</p> God was missing for six days.…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2023-01-06:1991841:Comment:20084182023-01-06T19:24:24.334ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.<br></br> He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"<br></br> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."<br></br> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"<br></br> "It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"<br></br> "Balance?" ---…</p>
<p>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.<br/> He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"<br/> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."<br/> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"<br/> "It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"<br/> "Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."<br/> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth...<br/> "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."<br/> God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."<br/> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"<br/> "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees, fields, hills and gardens, it's days are filled with sunshine. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.<br/> They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."<br/> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"<br/> God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California … Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.</p> Two rednecks, Dale and Billy…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2022-12-19:1991841:Comment:20079982022-12-19T22:18:42.669ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".<br></br> Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's…</p>
<p>Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".<br/> Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's they don't know we is from Arkansas."<br/> They enter the store. Then, with his best fake Texas drawl, Dale says "I'll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3. I'll back up my pickup and... "<br/> The owner of the shop interrupts, "You all are from Arkansas, ain't ya?"<br/> "Well, yeah," says a surprised Dale, "how come y'all knowed that?"<br/> The shop owner replies... <br/> "Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."</p> And for today’s installment o…tag:teebeedee.ning.com,2022-11-20:1991841:Comment:20064432022-11-20T18:23:48.744ZAggiehttp://teebeedee.ning.com/profile/Aggie
<p>And for today’s installment of “This Dumbass Shit Could Only Happen To Me”…<br></br> Wind chill is -15, so I figured the cows needed a little more feed this morning. I’m cutting the strings opening a new bale, pulling the strings off in a bundle. A cow had a couple of strings wrapped around her foot. When I jerked it to pull it free, she boogered and took off.<br></br> Unbeknownst to me, I also had the same strings wrapped around my foot. When she hit the end, it jerked my feet out from underneath…</p>
<p>And for today’s installment of “This Dumbass Shit Could Only Happen To Me”…<br/> Wind chill is -15, so I figured the cows needed a little more feed this morning. I’m cutting the strings opening a new bale, pulling the strings off in a bundle. A cow had a couple of strings wrapped around her foot. When I jerked it to pull it free, she boogered and took off.<br/> Unbeknownst to me, I also had the same strings wrapped around my foot. When she hit the end, it jerked my feet out from underneath me and I went down like 250 pound bag of duck shit. That boogered her even more so she shifts gears.<br/> Now she’s dragging me across the meadow, over frozen piles of cow shit, impacting snow and rocks up my ass. I’m scrambling to get my knife out to cut away. I lost my gloves, glasses, and one Muck shoe. The other shoe, along with my foot, was tied to a freaked out cow.<br/> I got myself cut loose and limped through the snow back toward my lost shoe. In the mean time, A bull decided to be a fearsome bale fighter and attack the bale that’s suspended in the air at perfect bull height…and on spinners. Before I could get there, shout profanities in three languages, and huck my shoe at the bastard, he’d unrolled three quarters of a bale in one huge, ass deep, pile, which he was standing on, snorting and blowing, proud as hell of himself.<br/> I pitched a bunch of it onto the bale bed and scattered the rest as much as I could. On the bright side, I found my shoe, both gloves, my glasses, and my iWatch buzzed and asked me, “It looks like you had a hard fall. Call 911?”<br/> No. Call Ace Reid.</p>