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The following is typical Texas Humor.

for some reason, I can not get things to post here. The humor is in the first comment.

 

 

 

Tags: bars, church, humor, texas

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A man in Denver, CO. decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked ab...out the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor..

Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, Tx., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country...it's a local call."

Are you saving yourself for a man with cattle guards?

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever.
9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
10. There are no good delis. Don't ask.
11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
12. Hot dog chili does NOT have beans in it.
13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.
14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer.
17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford truck is.
18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.
19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a glass of milk and some bread handy. Water won't do it.
20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. DON'T GOOGLE IT EITHER! It's worse than regular oysters!
21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.'
23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school FOOTBALL ??just keep your mouth shut.
24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".
26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.
30. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die!
31. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
32. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
33. Most of us own at least one gun.
34. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

Advice from An Old Farmer
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

"PASSING THE BUCK / THE BUCK STOPS HERE"
Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it was common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would "pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the buck stopped there".

A Strange Couple
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look....
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three leading universities were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness'" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

Two ropers. One young. One older. The younger one drove for two days to get to the heifer roping jackpot. The older roper came from his home ranch nearby. The young roper had a partner, and they were a money winning team. However, this time, his partner was not able to come at the last minute.
Having heard the news while he was already on the road, the young roper decided to stay on the road and had faith that there would be a partner there for him to rope with. Everyone likes to take home some prize money, but for him, the roping and time spent with other cowboys was important too. Fellowship amongst those who spoke the same language of the rope and the horse. We’ll call this young roper Trapper.
The older roper always came to the ropings. Even when the younger, faster ropers would snicker at his beat up old truck and dusty trailer. He didn’t saddle his horse fast, and got on even slower. Once on board, however, he was strength and grace. He and his horse had many hundreds of hours in the saddle together and knew each other perfectly well. The gelding knew when the older roper, we’ll call him Leroy, was resting and when he was ready to rope.
Leroy often had no partners at the ropings, but he enjoyed going and sometimes he’d get to toss a loop or two. More often than not he would spell the time keepers or be a judge. Many times he’d just sit on his horse, alongside the arena, and watch. Glove on, rope ready and waiting.
Trapper arrived, tired from a long drive, and unloaded his horses. He always brought a young horse with him to these far away ropings. Nothing like time on the road to season a horse, and it was always good to have a back up horse. He got there a bit late and the only parking spot was next to a beat up old Chevy truck pulling a dusty stock trailer.
He got the horses unloaded, watered and brushed off. As he was cleaning out the last of the horse manure from the trailer Leroy walked over to introduce himself. Trapper was happy to see a friendly face, and Leroy sure seemed to know everyone by their horse and rig. Leroy didn’t get off his horse, but leaned down to shake Trapper’s hand.
“Let me know if you need a partner today son,” he said, “I’m not the fastest heeler but I’m steady.”
Trapper said thanks, and said he would see if there was anyone on the roster needing a header. Leroy nodded, he understood. Young fellers didn’t want to be saddled with the old man.
As he walked his sorrel heading horse to the timer’s table, Trapper couldn’t help but thing about Leroy. He seemed like a seasoned old hand, probably learned to rope on the job when he was young. Something about him prickled at the back of his mind. Getting his number and signing the releases distracted him and he forgot the not quite formed memory at the back of his mind. He asked if anyone was needing a header. The girls shook their heads, no. The older lady said, “There’s Leroy. He is a steady heeler. And he always needs a partner.”
Trapper paused, and it came to him. Something his grandpa had said years ago, leaning on a round pen rail chewing on a toothpick. “Son, don’t pick a horse or a partner for their speed or fancy nature. Always find someone steady.”
Smiling, Trapper, said sure. Sign me up with Leroy. A couple of young guns snickered when they overheard him. They thought there was no way, no matter how good he was, that this new guy was gonna take home more than a chewed off ear from listening to Leroy’s stories.
Riding over to the blue roan that was dozing alongside the arena, Trapper coughed. Leroy looked up, and smiled.
“What can I do ya for son?” he asked.
“Well,” Trapper started, “I was hoping you’d be my heeler today. I hear you are steady.”
The grin that lit up Leroy’s face make him look years younger. He sat up a bit straighter and tidied the coils on his rope.
“Why sure. That’d be fine.” he stammered slightly, “That’d be just fine.”
They roped that day. And visited. Trapper shared about growing up with his Grandpa on the ranch. Leroy shared about young horses and pretty girls. They laughed. They roped. And they were steady.
Trapper soon learned his only job was to keep the barrier unbroken and catch the head. Leroy never missed. He wasn’t the fastest but there were no empty loops, single hocks or wasted dallies.
They found themselves in second place going into the last go-round. The snickering and talking had long since stopped. Everyone looked at Leroy like they had never seen him before. Trapper had to smile. Grandpa would be proud.
The last heifer was a bit wild, long line of range cows beget her, and she wasn’t going to forget it in the arena. She dashed out of the gate and Trapper was quick to toss his loop on her horns and she ducked, just a bit. Enough that he had to fish the loop back on. When he had her caught and turned, Leroy did his job and caught her. That little wobble was a three-tenths of a second onto their time. That was almost exactly what they lost by.
At the after roping bbq, as the teams got their buckles and cheques, Leroy and Trapper were talking at a back table. They knew they’d get some gas money out of the day, and that was always good. The friendship they were forming, however, was priceless.
The next year Trapper came down to the roping, and his partner was able to be there. They agreed, however, to pay the extra fee and ride with Leroy if he was still around. Leroy was still around, dragging that old trailer behind the beat up Chevy. They parked next to him, and found him on the same old blue roan. He was sporting a new shiny buckle that was inscribed with his name, and with a gold team on it, with this written underneath: He’s steady.
Trapper smiled, so glad that his friend was enjoying his anonymous gift. What a joy to give him something without him needing to know who is was from or to think he was in debt for it. Seeing his joy was thanks enough. After all, Leroy had given him more at that one roping than he would ever know. He helped Trapper renew his faith.
They roped again. And this year they won. That was Leroy’s last roping. Trapper kept in touch, as best as busy men can, and when he got news of Leroy’s passing he went down for the service. A young man came up to him at the graveside and shook his hand.
“You must be Trapper!” he exclaimed. “You are the fella that Grandpa told us about. Thanks for coming.”
Trapper, after everyone had gone, stood looking down at the stone. His face pinched as he tried to force back a tear. Someone had carved Leroy’s buckle image on the stone. His epitaph was: He’s steady. And underneath:He’s riding for the Lord now.
You see their talks, while waiting for their turn at those ropings, turned to things beyond horses and cows, girls and trucks. They talked about being steady for God, about witnessing in the oil patch and bunk house. About how God doesn’t want us to be the fastest or the hardest running, He just wants us to be steady. To be there.
God is steady. He is always there. You don’t need to look over to know, you can trust Him to be there with you. As close as your breath away.

Only in Texas!!! You will not believe what happened this morning. So I pulled into the gas station to get some gas, and a Gatorade. As I was walking in the store, I noticed a Police Officer parked on the side of the building. He was watching this woman who was smoking a cigarette while pumping her gas. Of course I saw her, and thought, what a dumb a**!!!
Anyways, I went inside and got a Gatorade and as the cashier was giving me my change, I heard somebody screaming. I looked out the window, and saw that the woman's arm was on fire....... She was swinging her arm, and running around like a crazy lady. I ran outside to help but the police officer had just put the lady on the ground, and was putting the fire out with his coffee.He then handcuffed her, and put her in the back of his car.
I thought to myself, "What kind of person smokes while pumping gas?!?! Did she really think nothing was going to happen?!?!
So being the inquisitive person that I am, I asked the officer what he was charging her with? He looked me dead in the face, and said, "WAVING A FIREARM!!!!"

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