Just Jokes -- not necessarily politically correct

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If youve ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, How much money do you make a week?
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, Heres four weeks pay now GET OUT and dont come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?

From across the room came a voice, Pizza delivery guy from Dominos.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?'
He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.

'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said,
'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
Car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Oh well, could have become a pair of shoes...

[Carl R Lindstrom]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their
Marriage might work... They discussed finances, living arrangements, and
so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'So, How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her
And whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
And then the fight started...

[metub4]

good one

[Carl R Lindstrom]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

[metub4]

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and
runs to a brothel. The old madam says, "All my girls are
busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm all messed up, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I
may have Winter in my hair, but I've got Summer in my heart."

The sailor says, "Yeah? If you don't get a little more Spring in
your rump, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."

[metub4]

A girl is about to get married, and is watching her mother
bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the
floor, hikes up her dress, squats down and picks the dough
up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that
your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life." said
her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she
emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit
dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting
to only pick up the biscuit, she had a very unexpected episode
of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

"Shit woman!" as he stepped further away, "If that thing
growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't give it
any meat!"

[metub4]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and
shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$75.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy, "$100.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,
that's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Chuckle ...

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Confucius say:
"If you are in a book store
and cannot find the book
for which you search,
you obviously are in the ...

[metub4]

I like

He also said :

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

[Carl R Lindstrom]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile phones, don't you just love them!

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."