Just Jokes -- not necessarily politically correct

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If youve ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, How much money do you make a week?
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, Heres four weeks pay now GET OUT and dont come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?

From across the room came a voice, Pizza delivery guy from Dominos.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?'
He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.

'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said,
'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
Car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Carl R Lindstrom]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to soft boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
/
/
/
/
/
/

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Carl R Lindstrom]

He had worked all his life, never had any fun, saved money ... now ready to die and has a last wish.

Says to his wife: please put the money in the coffin with me like the old vikings were buried with their stuff.

Loyal wife makes a solemn promise to oblige and off to Valhalla he goes.
During the funeral his widow in black, just before they are to close the coffin, slips in a small box and the coffin starts rolling.

Her friend says: you didn't put all his money in that box did you ?

Yes I did. I collected it all put it in my bank account and wrote a check for the entire enchilada and put it in a box. If he can cash it, he can spend it...

[metub4]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?
I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before, he said. Are you taking anything for it?

The woman nodded. Pepper.

[metub4]

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon"

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?”

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[metub4]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put
into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put
into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put
into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put
into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -
Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead





Third worm in chocolate syrup -
Dead






Fourth worm in good clean soil -?

Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -



What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was setting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

[Carl R Lindstrom]

A little known baseball fact:
The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[Carl R Lindstrom]

Did the architect do this railing on purpose ... sun leaving naughty marks ???

[metub4]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks, 'What's in the bag?'

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9' high and

sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which

he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece
by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' asks the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a puff of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed
one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a

little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'No Shit!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
pianist?!'

[metub4]

CNN reports that gas stations will start
showing porn movies on the
screens at the gas pumps so that you can
watch someone else getting screwed at
the same time you do!!

[metub4]

Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Who was this woman you were with -- tell me?"

"Please, I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No."

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your
perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be
three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and
whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

[metub4]

This is one of the all-time greatest comeback lines of 1999, maybe
ever..

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General
Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't
it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "Don't see how, ... we will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[metub4]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management

Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie. You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen And he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says. 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached!