FLYING HIGH

[Mark Joel Lane]

     The overcrowding conditions of airplane travel may soon be coming to an end. Cramming as many people into jam packed cabins is just not a way to fly. But a solution to this ultimate squeeze may be  just  on the horizon. Uncomfortable seating of many  flights today offer just 28 inches of  seat pack leg  room with 18 inches of width. The world is not all Twiggy model shapes. Consumers should not be packed into planes like sardines. The airline industry is about to unveil its expanded comfortable seating plan.  

 

     Passengers need not fret over whether they'll have an aisle or window seat nor worry about a bratty toddler banging on the back of a seat. Starting in October of 2017,passengers will be permitted to sit on the airplane's wings.  This may sound crazy but it's not. With the laws of scientifically shown centripetal force  and aerodynamics in place, riding on an airplane wing is even safer than riding in an Amtrack car. Tests have already been done on hundreds of planes with thousands of volunteers ( mostly death row inmates granted their release). Planes will have a strict limit of 24 winged passengers, twelve on each wing. 

 

     These brave volunteers found their flying experience to be,on the most part, quite uplifting. The positive feedback from these passengers included feelings of being peaceful, scenic, and some folks expressed the sensation of like having their heads in the clouds. So starting in October of this year, aside from stand by seating,airlines will offer sit by seating. These passengers will be allowed one piece of standard size luggage and one carry on bag which will be inside the plane in the luggage department. 

 

     The Federal Aviation Agency and the National Transit Safety Board has approved these secure winged belts that all winged passengers must wear. These belts have even gotten the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval. Passengers remain firmly in their seats even if the plane is upside down or in a tailspin and are made of a shark repellent material in case the plane is in the water. Passengers can expect to get a shower of hot water or freezing cold hail depending on the season and location of their flight but these are quick and tend to be enjoyable and sexually stimulating. High flying albatross droppings pose  the biggest threat in the friendly skies.

 

     These winged passengers will pay about half the normal airfare but sacrifice stewardess service, TV, in flight meals, but most importantly no bathrooms. For winged guests, it is recommended that they don't eat or drink 12 hours before their flight and use a strong enema 24 hours before as a precaution. In addition, the airlines suggest these riders also wear incontinent diapers like Depends or Poise for their own protection . As the altitude at times might exceed 30,000 feet, passengers with asthma, emphysema, and tuberculosis will not be permitted to ride outside the plane either especially over areas like the Himalayas, Alps, Catskills, or Dante's Peak. 

 

     So as the dawn of a revolutionary way of travel embarks on its maiden voyages, it will bring less peer pressure, more ear pressure, and the best and quickest sun tan of their lives to some passengers. Up up and away.