1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Be right back.