Due to the growing number of murderers in our nation's prisons and the growing demand by the public to permanently end the lives of these sociopaths, the National Board of Colleges has approved 3 universities to offer certified courses and grant degrees in the field of execution. The three universities are NYU in Manhattan, University of Southern California, and Brigham Young University in Utah. These courses are being taught mostly by judges, prison wardens, corrupt police officers, and defrocked priests. The degrees will be awarded in the areas of electrocution, drowning, suffocation,gas chamber ventilation, starvation, hanging, guillotine etiquette ,stabbing, freezing, poisoning (slow and fast), and a Firing squad program at NYU supervised by President Donald Trump.
The poisoning curriculum includes arsenic,cyanide, fugu fish preparations, and lethal injections with venom of diamond head rattlesnakes, black mamba snakes, brown recluse spiders,and black widows. Electric eels, sting rays, jellyfish, Portuguese man'o war and death by shark biting classes will be offered in an undisclosed marine laboratory. In a remote pristine section of Yellowstone National Park, classes will be trained in the delicate art of execution using fire ants and aggressive African killer bees. The videotaping of these criminals in their painful demise will hopefully deter future murders.
NYU will be offering special courses in their school of really really hard knocks and auto collisions as well as poison breast feeding for men. After all, some men are really just big babies. O.J.Simpson will be lecturing in some of the USC courses. A two year AAS degree will be rewarded known as an ASS degree (Advanced Sniper Status) at BYU for trigger happy applicants. A death by nagging curriculum is still in the works as well as a Russian Roulette course taught by Robert de Niro.
Patty Hearst will be working as an adjunct professor at NYU teaching a course on gorilla executions...make that guerrilla warfare executions. She will be working with her French bulldog, Tuggy. Retired air captain and hero Chesley Sullenberger, will be overseeing the pilot crash course taking place in Dutchess' County,Rhinebeck, NY.
An execution is never easy for the executioner and I suspect not on most people's bucket list to be executed. These courses are not for the faint of heart or for students who cannot stand the sight of blood, burning flesh, or eyeballs literally flying out of heads as a result of some of these executions.
Power companies like Con Edison, PPL, PSEG in some of the Eastern states and Pacific Gas and Electric on the West Coast have no choice but to raise their rates with the cavalcade of executions expected nationwide. For those folks who are Dead set against executions, they should remember what the raccoon said in his will: Leave it to Beaver.