Was Sent Too Me / Chili Cookoff
note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield,
IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili
taster, the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3 ."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
Judge # 3 - No Report
I read this one a few years back, very funny.
Chili is like a band that believes louder the better...with chili it is hotter the better. I stay away from chili cookoffs.
i hear them guys take their chili really serious down in texas .. they give it all kinds of numbers for how hot it is .. like 2 alarm or 3 alarm or even 5 alarm chili .. and then of course for wimps like me .. false alarm chili .. i go to this market and this guy has all these peppers and i asked him are these hot ?? and he says these ?? nahh .. a little spicy maybe .. but not all that hot .. so i took a couple and made some chili .. got a little of the juice on my fingers and made the mistake of wipin my eye .. couldn't see for about 20 minutes .. thought i should just taste it as i was goin along .. so i put a little bit on a cracker .. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.. i had to go lie down .. thought i was gonna have to call the paramedics .. i tried to call out for water but my vocal cords didn't work .. if that guy from the market was at my house when all that jumped off i'd be on trial now for homicide .. cause i woulda killed that bastard .. and i woulda pled self defense .. and i think i coulda got off too..
I like a little hot but no way i'm gonna eat anything hotter than Texas Pete hot sauce or store brand . They say if you eat chillas every day you get imune to the heat . Not gonna find out though...
I'm from Texas and I love hot chili. Do not put beans in it ever!!!
Cayenne pepper along with a host of other peppers are very good for you.
I believe i could take pepper pills best ...