These jokes may not be entirely politically correct, but if we can still laugh at ourselves there is hope for the world.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're a dollar for a box of three," he replied. "Plus six cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde. "I wondered how they kept them on."
Norwegian Bungee Jumpers
Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the heck is a piñata?”
What does a Polish man give his new bride something Long and Hard on their wedding day??
His last name.
Hillbilly Moms Letter
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked
the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father,
no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father.
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood pharmacy every week to buy two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man.
”Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”
The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!”
”So,” the pharmacist asked, “then what do you do with all those condoms?”
The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.”
A man wakes up one morning in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, to find a grizzly on his roof. So he searches the internet and sure enough, there's a "Grizzly Remover" for hire.
He calls the grizzly remover who arrives with a ladder, a baseball bat, a mean old pit bull and a shotgun.
"What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner.
"I'm going to put this ladder against the roof, I'm going to go up there and knock the grizzly off the roof with this baseball bat. When the grizzly falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the truck."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the grizzly knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog
A young man, a recent college graduate receives a graduation gift from his parents. It is an all expenses paid trip to Italy. He is very excited but has no one to go with him so he goes by himself.
He has a marvelous time and meets a beautiful Italian girl. They hit it off right away and he wines and dines her. They instantly fall in love and they marry.
He takes his bride back to the states and they have a honeymoon in Las Vegas. On a hot summer day they go the the hotel pool to cool off. The pool has a high diving board and the young husband decides to impress his new bride.
He climbs the steps on the diving board and commences to perform an olympic-worthy dive, a double flip with a half twist.
His bride, not to be undone, proceeds to dive in, swim the length of the pool, do a perfect turn and in all swims fours laps with ease.
The man is very impressed and asks how she learned to swim so well. Her replay floors him. She says, "I was a prostitute in Venice Italy and I worked both sides of the canal."
A quickie divorce and a plane ticket back to Italy was her reward for her skills.
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.