A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.
THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S BEHIND?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
A man entered a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Types of Ladies
Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:
1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.
2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you turn off.
3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.
4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.
5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed
6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.
7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called 'WIFE', once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted !
Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must
be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to
go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay
said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal
by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning.
Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health..
I can't wait until next Christmas
A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his
heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.
The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:
- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?
And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:
-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?
Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:
I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you? Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?
That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs. I'm number four.....
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, Honey?” the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 70s were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulledout her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train"."Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting"."No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss"."No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life"."Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.