A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Larry was watching TV as Carol was out cutting the grass. Larry finally worked up the energy to go out and ask her, "What's for supper?"
"WHAT?!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out
here working?!? I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town.
Go inside and figure out dinner for yourself." Larry went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
Carol finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time Larry was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
May is National Beef Month.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife,
"I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."~
Husband sends a text message to his wife: “Hi, what are you doing Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without you?”
Wife: “You fool! I am dying my hair..”
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.
It’s a Mystery!
A man came home from golfing one day.
His wife left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my Mother!!!"
He opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
He thought to himself: "What the heck is she talking about?”
the husband puts on a glow in the dark condom...the wife calls him a lightning bug.
Why I am Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent..
As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .....
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch......
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business. When he found out he was
going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he
decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took
his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but
in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.