A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Two City Ladies are riding on a train. Sitting down opposite them are two Native American females. They start to talk. "Where are you gals from," asks one of the City Ladies? One of the Native Americans answer, "We come from Arizona and I'm a Navajo and my friend is an Arapaho." So the City Lady answers back, "Well I'm a Chicago Ho and my friend here is a Detroit Ho."
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Jeff had a date with Penny. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in! Penny's mother said as she welcomed Jeff in.
"So, what are you and Penny planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably go dancing, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk along the Cherry Creek..."
"Penny likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Jeff, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Jeff said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids", the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Penny burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. It's “The TWIST ” , Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the pretty young wife. "Don't worry about me, babe, " he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know it." "I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."
I think the most important thing in a relationship is trust.
Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do know she's not going to tell your wife.......
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed in to the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you.
i know those guys.