A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A husband thinking he was being funny said 2 his wife - 'Perhaps we should start washing ur clothes n 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of ur butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said 2 himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook em out he hollered n2 the bathroom, 'Y did u put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow!"
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: 'Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!' 'I suppose,' the husband responded dryly, 'we could clean the house.'
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking to himself, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is lying there thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken my pantyhose off.
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. 'Don't worry, lady,' he said. 'I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.' Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: 'Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.'
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Let's do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
A woman looking out the window at her garden with so many weeds. Her husband asks her what’s she doing. “Honey, the weeds are so bad, will you please get rid of them for me?” He replies, “Honey, you know I’m no gardener!”
He hears her by the bedroom door, “What are you doing honey?” She replies the door sticks and asks him to fix it for her. “I can’t believe you’d ask that of me!! You know I’m no carpenter - you should be able to figure these things out!” He starts to walk out the door when his wife asks where he is going. He explains she really upset him so he’s going out for a beer.
A couple hours later he comes home and walking by her garden, he sees the weeds are all down. Then, he goes into the bedroom and the door works great! He finds his wife in the kitchen. “See honey I knew you could get rid of the weeds and fix the door when you put your mind to it. She replies, “I didn’t do either!” He asks her than who did? She said, “ The neighbor on our left saw me pulling the weeds and came over and did it for me. He then came in the house and fixed the bedroom door. “Oh no!” exclaimed her husband. “How much did he charge you?” “Not a cent – he said I could either give him sex or bake him two loaves of bed.” He says, “Well I guess you baked the bread.” She replied, “Now honey, you know I’m no baker!!”
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. Finally the teacher realized that only Jimmy was left.
"Jimmy, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of Whiskey, a Pistol and a Survival Knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and hurt her. Then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........"
"She shot 15 of them with the pistol before running out of bullets. She killed four more with the knife until the blade broke. Then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher! "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
...."Don't Mess with Mommy when she's been drinking!"
A few years ago I had a problem with premature ejaculation. I went to a doctor for help. He wasn't able to cure me but he did introduce me to a woman with a short attention span.
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."