A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Teacher: "What's the difference between 'He cleans the plate' and 'The plate is cleaned by him'?"
Student: "In first sentence he is not married, but in second sentence he is married!"
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse." "That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!" "That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?" He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned. "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company.
Susan called the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
This is scary stuff, I am glad I mostly drink whiskey.
Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for us; and I was wondering all those Years, why???
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men :-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around- Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, doesn't matter,
let's look for yours."
A woman meets with her
lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make
love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in
bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house,
she picks up the
receiver.The best friend listens,
only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh,
hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's
wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having
such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you,
Bye-bye." She hangs up the telephone
and her lover asks, "Who was
replies, "That was my husband telling me about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with